Saving your sex life after have a baby can be a challenge. Suddenly you are a mum and have new demands on you and your body. Your relationship to your sexuality changes and your focus is solely on your baby. You have days where you are exhausted and don’t even get to have a shower, let alone get dressed. These are things that are going to contribute to you not feeling interested, let alone sexy.
Some of the challenges you may be experiencing
* Hormones all over the place
* Sleep deprived
* Disconnected from your partner
* Possible prolapse
* Scar tissue from having an episotomy or an C-section and other birth injuries
* Traumatic or painful birth
* Breast feeding problems
* Complete lack of libido
* Birth plan, not going to plan
What About Including Sex in your Birth Plan
It would be fantastic if part of the birth plan was to have a discussion around how to remain intimate and reconnect sexually after baby, but for some reason that is usually completely over looked by everyone.
Feeling Left Out
Your partner is possibly feeling a little excluded and confused as well. He wants to have sex but is scared it will hurt you. Maybe you’ve tried to have sex and it was painful, so you’re scared to go there again. (Please do not put up with having painful sex, this can complicate things further down the track and you may need to see a Sexological Body worker). Also when a new baby arrives, mums are usually consumed with them and so your conversations with your partner are solely about baby things and not much else.
How to get passed the problem
The first thing is to acknowledge how you are both feeling and to talk about it. It might not fix the situation but at least it’s being discussed and not ignored. This way both partner’s feel they are being heard. Often women want to have intimacy and sex, but something has shifted and they don’t want it the same way they used to any more. It’s important to be able to talk about all of these things and to actually say what you are wanting. Often it’s a good idea to take penetrative sex off the table for awhile and also have less focus on orgasm and ejaculation and look at new ways to connect and slowly rebuild the intimacy again which will then lead to penetrative sex when the time is right.
Sometims you have to work at re-creating intimacy
Don’t dump on your partner the minute they get home, you may have had a tough day and be lacking sleep however they possibly are also lacking sleep and have had a stressful day out in the world working at what they do. Give them space too to unwind from their day before asking for help. Create space to connect together – have a big heart felt hug. Breathe together and discuss what works for you, what you require and create agreements about how to move forward with ease and grace
Sex has become goal orientated and action driven and everyone wants a bigger, better, more potent sexual experience than the last time. As a society we are always chasing more and in sex it’s no different. Sex is an energy and when we learn how to manipulate the energy, you can go on one hell of a ride!
My Top 6 Tips To Becoming More Orgasmic
1. Get out of our head and connect into your body and allow the energy to direct you. Close your eyes, take a few breaths into your heart space. Scan your entire body from your feet all the way to the top of the head. This immediately grounds you, connects you to self and gets you out of your head.
Understand some of the key aspects of how your arousal system works
2. The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings and its sole purpose is for pleasure! So get to know it fully. There’s are 3 parts to the clitoris, the head and hood, the shaft which sits behind the head, which when aroused becomes hard, like a mini penis and the legs which are shaped like a wishbone and sit deep below the outer labia.
There are loads of pleasure spots in the vagina
3. Become familiar with the whole vulva,as there are many spots on the vaginal wall that are pleasurable, including the Gspot. There are many other areas of pleasure spots however these are the key ones.
4. Get breathing! Start playing with your breath at times. Bring in some fast breaths through the mouth to ramp up your system and do a few slow deep, sighing breaths to bring it back down. This opens your body to experience and expand your orgasmic experience.
5. Squeeze your pelvic floor muscles in when you fast breathe. This helps move the sexual energy through the body, which makes for a more orgasmic experience.
6. Don’t contract when you orgasm, open your body up more to allow the energy to move freely through you. When you are contracted, it’s got nowhere to go.
No 1 Thing They Want is Respect!
They want to feel respected and honoured and know they are being heard. When they feel these things, they feel empowered as a man. When a man is feeling acknowledged, then nothing stops them from being the best they can be for themselves first and then for their partner.
And yeah, they still do want sex!
I know plenty of women that are looking for these qualities in their relationships too, so why is it that there is such disharmony in our relating?
I think there is too much demand on expectations loaded up with a ton of judgement and a lot of immature thinking. We aren’t taught how to relate, how to behave and learn by social media and many other avenues, including porn.
What We All Want
It all starts with self, how would we like to be treated? Then actually treating your partner in the same way. They desire respect, so do we, so behave respectfully, be in integrity.
I read an article where it said that men would rather have their wives love them less than disrespect them and that research also showed according to S. Feldhahn, that respect is men’s main concern.
I find the first part of that statement, completely ridiculous. Who really would want their partner to love them less for any reasons, whether it’s to receive respect, acknowledgement and true communication.
We all are desiring love, intimacy and connection and without communication, we don’t really gain any of these things for “real” relating.
Let’s Get Real
So how about we put away our fear, show our true selves, including our vulnerability, be in our truth, even when it’s tough and speak from our hearts. When we speak from our hearts, then “real” relating can occur and everyone wins!
We all want to be seen, heard & loved…
Ultimately, we all want to be in relationships that uplift, inspire, co-contribute and bring us joy and happiness.
HOW SCAR REMEDIATION WORK CAN HELP
When we injure ourselves through accidents or surgery, scars are created.
This is a good thing, otherwise we’d be running around with big gaping festering holes
Scars are made up of collagen fibres and when an injury occurs, fibroblasts produce collagen to repair the injury. When this happens it repairs the area randomly, a bit like a birds nest, instead of following the grain of the original tissue, so this new collagen is thicker than the original collagen and can stick surfaces together internally.
Internal scars or adhesions are a little bit like octopus tendrils, where they travel from the original injury through many layers of tissue throughout the body.
You’re probably thinking, yeah, so what!
SO THAT PAIN IN MY……
You may feel your scar isn’t effecting you but maybe your scar is, but you would never, ever imagine what is going on in your body, could be coming from that scar or from the internal adhesions.
As a trained Somatic Sexological Body Worker we have been taught how to massage both internally and externally with women and men to work with these adhesions. We work externally with the scar, by applying organic castor oil packs and then massaging and palpating the area to give movement to the scar with organic castor oil and an organic solvent combination. By doing this we are causing the internal adhesions to release. We work internally to release the adhesions as well if required.
Scars can sometimes be very painful to touch, even years later
MASSAGE CAN HELP
By massaging the scars using 4 different techniques, we can release pain within the scar and release referred pain in other parts of the body, which can occur from releases in the actual scar. It’s a little bit like trigger point work that a general massage therapist would apply.
Here’s a list of just a few areas that can be effected by internal adhesions, but not limited to these only:
Any surgery to do with childbirth, episiotomies, natural tears, C-sections, hysterectomies, ectopic pregnancy removal, abortion, prostatectomy, bladder infections, endometriosis, organs, ligaments, tendons, fascia, muscles, any abdominal surgery, injuries to the coccyx, breast implants, head injuries, circumcision, peyronies disease & bowel surgery etc.
Are you experiencing painful sex? – There could be numbness or inflammation internally
BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW THIS
Many women are unaware of lack of feelings or sensations experienced internally in the vaginal passage. This can come from childbirth, uncomfortable of painful sex, hard thrusting etc. By mapping internally with the organic castor oil we can determine any numbness and any pain sensations and slowly restore the vaginal walls to being able to feel sensations and pleasure. This is also done using the organic castor oil and an organic solvent combination.
Do you have low libido? – There could be internal adhesions in the vaginal canal
This can happen for women due to childbirth, sexual abuse, painful sex, vaginitis, pelvic floor inflammation, menopause, endometriosis, hysterectomies etc.
Again, massaging the scar with organic castor oil and applying castor oil packs can make very big changes, quite quickly to how the scar looks and feels. By palpating the scar you can free up the internal adhesions as well as release any pain associated with the scar. Quite often scars can be sunk in and this is due to the adhesions attaching to the organs. Scars can also have a lot of lumps which is known as keloids and scar remediation can assist with this as well.
Your scar WILL NOT disappear but it’s going to look & feel dramatically different!
Massaging the scar can bring back sensation in the area. Here are some photos taken over a period of 2 weeks of an abdominal scar.
This person had 10 inches of their small intestine taken out, as well as their appendix and about 2 inches of their large intestine. Luckily they have no problem with their gut or bowel because after the surgery 34 years ago, they gave up eating rubbish and eat very clean food and exercise. However the scar is quite sore in places and they were not happy with the original appearance, but are now after a week, are very happy with the look and feel.
“Can’t believe the difference in the scar in such a short time, it feels lighter and other areas of my body where the adhesion trail ended, such as my bicep, is feeling better as well – DE.”
Are you curious and want to know more? Please feel free to contact me.
TANTRA CAN MEAN SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
We hear the term Tantra & it can mean different things to people and that’s because there are many layers and ways to use Tantra. A lot of people think it’s some weird & wacky “sex thing” or something like the Kama Sutra which involves lots of strange & complicated positions. For relationships it’s a way to deepen intimacy & the sexual experience.
So what is it and how and how can it can benefit you?
Very briefly, the word Tantra is Sanskrit from the sacred language of Hinduism. It comes from the word tan, which really translates to expanding and extending, spreading, weaving or manifesting. So like the world we live in, Tantra is the continual expansion of energy, spreading out like a cosmic wave which is made up of different energies.
So why would you want to tap into this energy and ride the wave?
CONNECT MORE WITH SELF AND PARTNER
Tantra is a way to connect more deeply to yourself through various practices of breath, specific exercises, connection to self & to your partner. It opens you to experience more sexually & become more intimate within your relationship. When you practice these techniques it will allow you to connect on a much deeper level which brings you together in a conscious way, being present with each other and allowing yourself to explore sexually together. It’s about creating harmony and balancing the energies of the masculine and the feminine within yourself and your partner.
Tantric practice will connect you with your partner on a much deeper and more intimate level. It brings you into presence with each other and will certainly reignite the spark in any relationship. It will bring a stronger awareness to everything you do when you engage sexually and allow you to slow down, explore each other with no fixed idea of what and how your love making will be or look like.
Sex is usually focused on the outcome
The man must have an erection and the woman must have x amount of orgasms. How long foreplay should be before you can have intercourse, lots of internal dialogue and how the foreplay should look with a demand sometimes of this is what I want so I can “get” sometimes consciously and sometimes not.
Tantra is a journey, bringing in an awareness to everything you do…how you touch, how you feel, how you breathe, how you smell and taste as well as how you engage or connect with your partner.
By using our breath in sexual practice it assists with allowing the “prana” or life force to flow through our body and this energy can take you to a higher spiritual place.
SPIRITUAL AND SEXUAL ENERGIES COMBINED
Tantra is where spiritual and sexual energies go hand in hand. It’s being in your truth around everything, your feelings and emotions which then effects how you communicate with your partner on all levels, not just sexually.
When you are consciously working with your sexual energy it’s very different to just having sex, it goes beyond that.
There are also many exercises that can help with flagging libido for both men & women. As well as exercises & breathing techniques to help with erectile challenges, becoming multi-orgasmic for men & women as well as teaching men to separate their ejaculation from orgasm, so they can last longer. All of these exercises will increase energy and stamina, because the sexual energy is being cultivated. Then there is Tantra massage which is a specific type of massage designed to awaken new pleasure pathways as well as prolonging the sexual experience.
So why wouldn’t you want to learn more about Tantra?
Tantra is like a pathway to another world that engages and connects you, physically, spiritually & emotionally firstly to yourself and then to your partner.
SEX – WHAT SEX! Here are some great tips to revive your relationship
If your relationship and any form of intimacy or sex has taken a bit of back seat in the period leading up to the Christmas period, now will be a great time to reconnect.
The holiday season can be very stressful for a lot of people. Everyone’s running around doing last minute shopping, finishing off the year at work or in their business and generally everyone is looking forward to some down time, whether it’s just the public holidays or a week or two of time out.
So why not use this time to do a little work on your relationship and reconnect with each other – who knows it may even lead to sex!
So whilst you’re in holiday mode, it’s a great time to recreate new patterns and release the old ones, which can be done by just doing things differently. So, time to turn the tv off, maybe go to bed at the same time as well as getting out into nature and doing things together. When you start to do these basic things, you’ll find that you’ll start talking to each other.
Without conversation, you are definitely not going to have sex, let alone any form of intimacy.
THINGS TO DO TOGETHER
Prepare a meal together, this gets you connecting and interacting together. Sit at a table and talk over meals, regardless whether you have children or not. This is the perfect time to reconnect.
Spend 5 minutes just sitting with each other and look into each other’s eyes. You’ll probably start laughing, thinking this is silly but it is actually a very powerful process. The laughing and other emotions that come up can be from nerves and can also be from experiencing the feeling of really being seen by your partner. I mean how often do you really look at your partner? This helps you to connect with each other, on another level. Give it a go, you’ve got nothing to lose and much to gain. Look into each other’s left eye, this is known as the Window to the Soul.
If you have children then make it a ritual before you climb into bed at night or when you first wake up in the morning.
Look at ways at how you can get your “sexy” back on together. Maybe it’s time to have some heart to heart conversations. Always speak from your perspective of how you feel, never from blaming them otherwise you’ll only get into an argument and that’s not what you want. Be really clear in your communication and listen to each other.
Get creative with how you can have some intimate touch. A morning kiss or hug, holding hands walking on the beach or at the movies. Make a game of it with yourself and see how many times you can do that. Statistics show that the more intimate touch you have the higher possibility will be that you will have sex. Be attentive with each other when you are interacting.
Look at ways you can bring some nice intimacy back together, maybe learn how to give each other a sexy massage. You don’t have to be an expert, just have an intention to pamper your partner with lots of oil and yummy moves, that will relax them and maybe even turn them on!
Maybe do some role playing or dress ups, to spice things up.
Guaranteed if you do these basic things, you will put a booster back into your relationship and once you’ve injected some connection and communication, you’ll be having more sex and intimacy.
The basis of any relationship being successful comes down to 2 key factors
The first one is effective communication in relationship and the second one is intimacy & sex. You can’t have a fantastic sex life without effective communication and if you don’t communicate well, then I can guarantee you aren’t going to be having much sex, if at all! So how is your love life? Could it do with some improvement?
With statistics at an all time high of 1 in 2 marriages ending in divorce and 75% of relationships have an affair, it’s time to really look at your own relationship and perhaps, stop ignoring the problem and pretending that it really is fabulous, when perhaps it’s not.
So here’s my top 7 things you can look at to improve your relationship.
1. Communicate & Connect
Talk to each other, not at each other & listen. Take time out in your day to come together and just be, connect, sit with each other. Perhaps you can try this at dinner time. Before you dive into your meal, sit facing each other and look into each other’s eyes for a few minutes, no talking, just being. At first it may seem a bit weird & you’ll probably giggle & feel silly but this is just nerves. Take some deep breaths to get you past that and when you do you will find that you will sink into each other’s energy fields and connect in a deeper way. Then start conversing and notice the difference. The difference will be that you are present with each other. Your attention will be more focused and you will be able to listen to each other.
We often fall into habits and take things for granted. Take time out to acknowledge something about each other and always come from “I” statements. Eg: I really appreciate you cleaning up after dinner after I’ve cooked you a meal. or Thank you for cooking that tonight it was really good.
Think about what you love about them and tell them, often! – Think back to the early days of why you fell in love with that person and make a compliment or tell them something you love about them.
Touch each other, often. When you have physical touch, be it a hug, a kiss, a hand on the back or holding hands when wandering around together it all keeps you connected. When there is none of that you disconnect from each other and from yourself. If you are not doing the basics here, then you probably aren’t having much intimacy & sex, if at all.
5. Common Goals & Interests
It’s important to have some common interests and things that you can work together with. It’s also healthy to have a few separate ones, so find the balance here.
What are your values and beliefs? Are they aligned? What is really important to you and what is a deal breaker. Perhaps this would be a great discussion point where you can list your top 7 values in a relationship and have a discussion around it. You may not match in all your points however it will get you communicating and after all that is one of the most important things, isn’t it? Effective communication in relationship!
7. Intimacy & Sex
Sometimes when we get busy this gets pushed aside and it is so important, as much so as effective communication in your relationship. So if you are doing all the things above then you have a great starting point. It’s great to be spontaneous, but sometimes you have to do a little pre-planning to create and have some intimacy & sex and that’s ok. If you find you are not having sex at all and getting into bed for example to read and then lights out, then maybe look at changing your habits. Read in the lounge room and make getting into bed, just that and then see what unfolds. Have a cuddle instead. Make a date night, take turns to plan something, be creative.
There really is no point in being in a relationship if you are not happy within it and it’s not meeting your needs. Far too many people are just existing inside their relationships because it’s safe, it’s easy, they don’t want to be on their own, yet they are miserable. That is not living, that is not relating, that is not empowering you in any way.
Our relationships often take a back seat to life as we get too busy. Getting up early for work, coming home late, children, yoga, jogging, etc etc and before you know it, it’s the weekend and you have your chores to do errands to run and then your back into the week again. So sometimes you have to just STOP and do a reassessment so that you can make time to be together and hang out.
So what’s happening in your relationship? Has it slipped into ordinary? Is there a communication wedge between you that you don’t know how to get past? Do you want to spark the flame again?
If so please contact me – available for coaching sessions, in person, skype or phone.
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WHAT IS LOVE?
The word love is probably one of the most over used words in the English language and can get so misconstrued when in an intimate relationship. It has so many meanings and can have so many attachments to it. How often do you express your love in your intimate relationship by saying “I love you”? Quite often it’s not expressed clearly. We may feel we love our partner but we don’t always express it. It’s also how you express it, saying “I love you” as easily as “what do you want for dinner”, can leave little impact and lose the meaning.
In my last blog I mentioned about taking time out for yourself, nurture and self care but today I want to go a little bit deeper and talk about really connecting with yourself. And this is where we are going to start to get honest with ourselves around how much do we really, really love our self?
If you stand in front of the mirror naked – what is your reaction? Do you go into the critical and self judgement? Or do you smile back at what you see and go “Yeah”?
How often when we are in a relationship do we complain about how our partner hasn’t heard what we have said? And how often do you find yourself saying I’ve already told you?
So what is going on here? Why does one person feel they have conveyed something to their partner and for some mysterious reason they haven’t heard?