The 2 biggest challenges I see men for are around the loss of erection and premature ejaculation (PE).
Men are often too embarrassed to admit they have a problem, let alone take action. Often, they will take action when in a new relationship.
Doctors often prescribe various medications which are really a band-aide solution and if men desire to sort this out permanently then they need to see a Sex Therapist. I have doctors now referring men to me for both of these problems.
Loss of erection can be turned around except in instances where the hormones are low or there is a pre-existing condition such as diabetes and prostate loss.
Premature ejaculation is a lot more complex to resolve, however, it can be. For some men it has been a lifelong issue, commencing as young teenagers, exploring their body and being quick and quiet so they don’t get caught. Sometimes, they will grow out of that and sometimes they don’t.
There are occasions when men can start to experience this later in life, so with either of any of the above scenarios, we have to first dig a bit deeper to see what could be influencing what’s happening. These are some of the things to look at:
- State of physical health such as weight, alcohol consumption, a medication which can affect erection function, recreational drugs, fitness or surgery
- State of mind: anxiety, depression, stress or trauma
- Loss of libido and hormone function
- Problems with a partner other than sexual; abuse, cheating, not getting along
- Past relationships
- Sexual abuse, even if it was a long time ago
- Too much porn
- First sexual experience
From there we look at the mindset and how it’s affecting you and working with resolving the negative states of mind that can obviously occur.
For either situation the first thing is to get out of the head and into the body, meditation is a great place to start. I teach a series of exercises to connect into the body, connect the brain to the genitals to start the re-wiring of the neurological pathways between the brain and genitals.
There are also exercises to strengthen the pelvic floor which is key as well as masturbation techniques to help last longer. We also start working with moving the sexual energy as well as adding specific breath techniques.
With premature ejaculation, there is an extra process, where I teach the body to move away from orgasm, whilst staying aroused and we do that through breath and touch therapy. Here we activate the parasympathetic part of the autonomic nervous system.
For some men it can reverse fairly quickly, for others it takes time, everyone is different.
This article appeared in Holistic Bliss online magazine 20 October 2010
A Journey of The Senses, starting with Taste
Emotions and sadness sitting below the surface, starting to leak out. Allowing it to unfold and just being with it.
Sparked by a mandarin and becoming fully present with it’s flavour and texture. Feeling it on my lips like a lover kissing me.
The sensation on my skin as I glide it across my face, the slight coolness and how that feels.
The feeling as I place a piece into my mouth slowly, allowing it to just rest there. The blandness as it sat on my tongue – repulsed me, I wanted to spit it out as it felt so dead in my mouth.
I slowly moved my tongue over it as I slowed my breath down, fully present with what was. Aware I wasn’t enjoying the mandarin piece sitting in my mouth to then slowly biting into it.
Sweet Sweet Delicious
The contrast as I allowed some of the sweet, sweet juice to slowly trickle out into my mouth and bathing in the flavours that sparked was sparked. Then nothing as all the juice was slowly stripped from the skin and just feeling into the sensation and taste of the dead bit of skin sitting inside my mouth.
My palette having to adjust again, to this different taste – a taste of nothing and so I was compelled to take it out of my mouth and put a fresh piece in.
And so the journey continued, all the time slowing my breath down, becoming more present, allowing the breath and tastes to move down into my body.
Awakening the sensuality
Connecting to the erotic energy, breathing, playing with the taste sensations, emotions bubbling to the surface, tears and then back to joy.
A roller coaster of sensations, tastes and feelings in my body. Dropping fully into myself, feeling my skin and connecting to it and connecting it to the mandarin’s taste and the cool feel of it again on my lips and on my face.
Fun with food
Playing with food has never been so much fun. Not sure I will ever look at a mandarin in quite the same way again.
Can you do this?
My invitation to you is two things
Cast your memory back to a time when you ate something and it was just simply heaven. It was so delicious that it took you and your body to a completely different place. A time when you ate something and the sheer joy of it as you ate it, as you soaked in the taste.
<blockquote><strong>What is the most divine flavour in your mouth?</strong></blockquote>
Then find something that you can play with…chocolate is usually a better choice than mandarin or mango…something lush…
Then close your eyes and smell it, really breathe in the smell of your chosen food. Then allow your system to slow down and we do that by activating lots of deep breaths. Allow yourself to drop into yourself, play with your food, play with the sensations and tastes in your mouth and see what happens.
Would love to hear how you go.
It’s men’s health week and quite often sexual health is completely overlooked.
Let’s have a brief look at some of the challenge’s men can experience:
This is when a man ejaculates well before he would like to. This can cause a lot of anguish and frustration, shame and guilt for the man and if he’s in a relationship it can also cause a lot of frustration for the partner too.
Can be complex
It’s a complex issue to work with however, though it most certainly can be improved and reversed. Some men have been like that all their life and other men it only starts to happen more recently. This can come about due to things such as stress, anxiety, relationship problems.
Don’t leave it too long to take action
Some of the key elements to work with this problem is to re-teach the brain connection to the genitals by somatic learning. Slowing the autonomic system down, learning breathing and pelvic floor techniques as well as teaching new ways to masturbate. The more these new techniques are practiced the more changes occur on a cellular level.
I usually combine in with this some coaching working on limiting beliefs that can form around this, such as “I’m no good in bed”, “I’m a dud lover”, “what’s the point in having sex” as a few examples plus how it impacts on them emotionally. Guilt, shame, anger, sadness, fear can play a role in how their thinking is impacting them physically as well. Plus, there is often a lot of anxiety and stress connected as well as disconnection from self and genitals.
Can’t Get It Up?
Men who can’t maintain an erection have a slightly different set of challenges, though the work to reverse this has some similarities to above with some slight variances. Here we take into consideration, health, medications which maybe affecting them, alcohol, smoking and recreational drugs.
It’s not just physical!
As well as looking at effects the emotional and mindset have, we start activating the sexual energy and get that moving through the body.
Some men will experience pain in the genitals for a variety of reasons. Circumcision can lead to men feeling extremely sensitive.
Peyronie’s disease can become painful if not treated as well.
Pain can be reversed!
I am currently working with a man who had a vasectomy which was not done well and was in pain for a long time. He had it reversed and the pain is chronic, effecting his lower back and whole genital area.
To work with genital pain and or numbness we can start working in the areas by breaking down the scar tissue working with organic castor oil combined with my secret ingredient.
This starts to bring sensation back, lessen and release pain over a period of a few sessions.
The prostate can often become enlarged without cancerous cells present, though doctors like to keep an eye on the ph levels in case things change. One of the reasons the prostate can swell is because the urine passes through it and the prostate doesn’t fully empty out.
There is often a lot of swelling and heat in the anal passage so it’s important to work with the castor oil mix to help reduce this swelling.
There are solutions
It’s also of major benefit to stimulate the prostate so it releases fully.
If you’re experiencing any of the above problems it’s highly recommended you come and see a sex therapist. Unfortunately, doctors are not really trained in these areas and often use band aide solutions which don’t result in long term change.
Since When Does Bad Behaviour Get Rewarded? When you’re a reality tv program called Married at First Sight…that’s when.
I get that the majority is staged, I also know some real people who were on the show that were manipulated and basically not treated well.
It’s not ok to cheat
However, as a Relationship Coach, I seriously question the integrity of the 3 “so called” experts who allowed Jessika and Brad to remain in the experiment. This is sending a very clear message to everyone…that’s it’s ok to cheat, if you really think the other person is special.
It’s also a very clear message from the producers and from channel 9 that cheating is ok and anything for ratings will do, no matter what. They should have been asked to leave the program and wished all the best in the outside world.
There’s Always Risks In Love
Isn’t that where we all take risks in the dating world, where we all put our hearts on the line, keep our walls up, drop our barriers…It’s called life and it’s called getting to know someone.
Why should they be given a chance inside the experiment. It makes a mockery of relationships. And yes, in the real world people cheat and get cheated on all the time, yet I doubt anyone gets rewarded for their bad behaviour towards their partners. If they cheat and wish to be together then off they go. They either make it or they don’t so why should it be any different on this show.
Cheating is never the answer…
When cheating happens there is always a reason as to why it happens. It can come from not feeling your needs are being met in some way. In most cases, I have found that it comes down to any of the following: lack of intimacy, communication, connection – both physical and emotional as well as not allowing the walls to come down and show vulnerability.
That does not make it right though
The problems started due to lack of communication. In this instance if they’d been honest to their respective partners they could have saved a lot of heart ache. The problem is people are scared to speak their truth or prefer to ignore what’s in front of them and bury it and just carry on taking no responsibility for their actions.
It’s an absolute disgrace that they can come to the conclusion to keep them there.
Sometimes our libido completely vanishes, one minute it’s there and the next it’s not and you don’t know what to do about it. We can suddenly be left with absolutely no desire or urge to engage in any sexual activity and at other times we have the urge without getting the results we desire.
There are many reasons why we can have loss of libido. It can be due to bad health, medication, erectile difficulties, premature ejaculation, menopause, surgeries, stress and anxiety, having babies, young children.
Lack of communication, not enough time, and feeling too tired.
Alternatively it can also be problems in your relationship, no connection or intimacy as well as massive disconnection.
Is it any wonder that libido issues become a vicious cycle?
Libido Can Come Back
The good news is with libido whether you have it, or don’t have it, or never had it, it can come back, it can be improved and you can learn ways to open yourself to experience more.
If you are in a relationship it often becomes a very big problem when one of you is not interested in sex. Maybe you’ve had a conversation about it that ended in an argument and / or tears and so it just gets swept aside and is never discussed again. When that happens it’s like there’s an elephant in the room, or in this instance, in the bed and it’s something that is sitting there between you and creates an energy, which affects you.
It’s often not discussed because for some reason we have trouble communicating our sexual needs, desires and wants. Couples can talk about all sorts of things, including deeply personal things, but for some reason we are still challenged when it comes to talking about sex.
Without Communication There Is No Intimacy, Without Intimacy, There Is No Sex!
So sometimes we just have to be brave, sit down and have that conversation and then together you can look for answers. Relationships are all about give and take and that also applies to sex.
Sex is your creative life force energy and creates harmony in your mind, body and spirit and to shut it off completely means that your life force is being shut down. Often to get the libido moving, it’s important to connect back to yourself and start with some solo activity. There are a few things you can do to reconnect with yourself.
Reconnecting with You is A Great Place to Start
There are a myriad of exercises that I teach to get you connected to yourself. Being grounded in you body and being present.
Letting go of what’s in your head so you can follow the flow of the energy as well as awakening the sexual energy.
If you’re having challenges, please call for a free consult as there can be many variances as to why you are experiencing a loss of libido and my role is to look below the surface to see what the underlying core issues are so we can bring about changes.
Everyone deserves to have a potent and fabulous sexual life.
Another fun game to get used to consent and boundaries is to play the 3 minute game. Ask to do something with your partner; ie. Can I give you a shoulder massage. Partner to feel into their body and answer from that place, if it feels like a yes, then go ahead. However if the boundary or sensation is telling them that they are not comfortable with that, then simply say NO can you choose something else. Once an agreement is reached, put a timer on for 3 minutes. If it’s a shoulder massage that’s been offered, then it’s just the shoulders, you don’t go up the neck or down the back or arms…it’s just the shoulders. That is what you asked for. This keeps it in consent and within agreed boundaries.
You can then extend that into more of a sexual component if you are both in consent and in agreement to explore in that way…
No-one Should Ever Experience Consent in the Shadow
The more conscious and present we become the easier it is to connect from a place of authenticity. Sexual crimes of any nature is a crime against life. Perpetrators have mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and children so it’s incredibly hard to fathom how this happens. However one thing we know for sure is that it’s been happening since the beginning of time. That doesn’t make it right, that does not justify it to continue to happen.
The #metoo campaign has started to lift the lid on a worldwide capacity and women are saying NO MORE. Enough is enough! The Dalai Lama said something along the lines of “It will be the western women who will change the world”…change is coming – How does it get better than that!
We can’t change the past however it’s how we move forward into the future, that makes the difference.
Whenever there is touch, there are 2 factors, the person doing the touching and the person receiving the touch. You can touch for the other person’s benefit/pleasure or you can touch for your pleasure, how it feels for you.
There are 4 factors in the container of authentic touch. You are doing the touch, they are not doing the touch and it can be for the other person or for yourself.
Giving and Receiving
When You Are Doing touch it’s for the other person. It’s about giving, being in service and coming from a space of connection, appreciation, being useful, a place of devotion, valuing the other person and learning what sort of touch they like.
The receiver is not doing and are expressing that they may be touched and are allowing the touch. They are receiving the gift of being given to by surrendering, receiving the pleasure, being of service, supportive, useful and witnessing and being part of the experience.
You can also be doing the touch for yourself by absorbing the touch, taking it for your experience. This is about being responsible, having integrity and gratitude.
Again the receiver is in a space of not doing, they are receiving the gift of touch through being adored, attended to, supported, nurtured and valued.
An example of giving could be giving your partner head so they can experience it.
An example of absorbing could be doing head on your partner for your benefit of how it feels to do it.
Consent Can Change Every Ten Seconds…
What I mean by that is what is ok, one moment may not be ok the next moment or the next day. Consent for ourselves is about feeling into our body to see if our body wants or desires that type of touch in that moment. We are to conditioned to endure or put up with touch that we may not be enjoying and for some reason through upbringing we have difficulty in saying no, this is not ok, I’m not liking this or simply say STOP. Checking in and communicating is always a great place to start.
Try This With Your Partner or Even a Friend
Here’s an activity you can try around giving and receiving with your partner. Ask for permission and then touch their arm in a way that will feel nice for them. That’s giving.
Then touch their arm for your benefit. How does it feel on your hand, on your finger tips as you run your hand over their arm? With both play with the touch, as in light, firm, whole hand, back of the hand, fingers.
Of course with consent you could apply the same technique to their back or their genitals…
In part 5 of this blog series of 5 we look at another fun activity where we can play with boundaries and explore how to say yes and no.
Boundaries play a big part with consent and something that a lot of people don’t understand or know how to create them in many aspects of life. Think about when you were little and you were visiting Aunty Bertha or Uncle Bob or whoever and all they wanted to do was give you a big hug. Engulf you into their arms and you really didn’t want that hug, yet mum or dad are telling you, be polite, say hello, give them a hug.
So we want to feel into the energy or the space of what feels right in our body at that moment…
A Fun Game to Practice
Sit with your partner or friend and play the boundary game, it’s pretty simple. None of it’s actionable. Ask your partner/friend 3 times if you can do something to them. Make it something you know they would like and also make it something you know they won’t like. Regardless of the question, the partner/friend has to say YES. However, before answering feel into your body, then say YES and then feel into how that actually felt to say yes to something that you did not want to happen or experience and the difference it felt when you actually would like to say YES. Then reverse roles.
The 2nd part of this activity is exactly the same, though this time, one person will ask 3 more questions and this time you will again feel into your body however you will answer NO. Again feel what that feels like to say NO to something you do want to have and what it feels like to say NO to something you definitely don’t want.
You can expand on that with intimate touch. This really helps you to get present and have awareness of what you wish to receive and not receive. I recommend all people in relationship do this regularly.
In part 4 of this blog series of 5 we look and explore what exactly Consensual Touch is.
I’m going to discuss the different aspects of consent from 4 different perspectives coming from what’s known as authentic consent, or consent in the light. As well as talk about the 4 different aspects of the shadow side of consent. This information is taken from Dr Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent, www.bettymartin.org which I’ve been taught as a Somatic Sexological Body Worker and use in my practice.
The Shadow Side of Consent…
When you are in the shadow and coming from the place of “doing” you are in fact giving from a place of control, cohersion, entrapment, bullying and martyr slavery.
When They Are Doing Touch
When in a place of they are “doing” to you, its allowing the behaviour and will bring feelings of abuse and being violated, which can allow you to become the victim.
When they are coming from the “doing” mentality it’s for their own gratification, it’s about being lecherous, getting a feel, groping, molesting, leering, abuse and rape.
When in a place of “doing” to you it’s about receiving their behaviour of being manipulative, selfish and cohersive. In other words it’s all about them.
No person should ever experience the shadow side of consent, however it is prevalent in society. The #metoo campaign which I also wrote my about my experience is paving the way for change.
So how do we bring about change for ourselves?…
When one person thinks they are giving and the other person thinks they are allowing, then no-one is actually receiving. We are tolerating it and it’s on the edge of consent and we think about it…how often are we doing this time and time again.
In part 3 of this blog series of 5 we look at boundaries. How can we recognise what they are for ourselves and some fun games to practice it.
With the huge outpouring on social media for the #metoo campaign, I’ve noticed a lot of discussions from people that still don’t quite get the implications of non consensual touch. They certainly understand the consequences of rape and sexual assault however for some reason they seem to be missing the point around sexual harassment in the variety of forms it comes in. At the end of the day there is no place for any of this.
The #metoo campaign is a great starting point to start creating the change the world requires…
With the #metoo campaign, what it shows is that when the veil of silence lifts, it creates the possibility of something different. It unburdens everyone – it allows the hidden shame and the secrets carried to be laid down for all to see.
To show that you are not alone, that there are so many others who have had similar experiences, some worse than others, yet still have experienced some form of sexual abuse or sexual assault.
Not about being a victim…
This is not about being a victim or even about gender, although I believe the statistics would show that women are the main receivers of this abuse. It’s about speaking up, putting a voice to what’s been carried silently, sometimes for years, sometimes for decades.
The energetic aspect alone from this sharing has a massive potential for change. It’s in the open, it’s being talked about, it’s not being hidden anymore.
And isn’t that what we all want to see…
If we wish to live full, happy lives where we can love ourselves and connect deeply with another human being and experience the fullness of an intimate and sexual relating experience, then we need to un-bury all these secrets and emotions that we have squashed down inside us.
We need to learn how to become present in our bodies and not be in our heads or completely out of our beings, so we can connect to ourselves and another.
We disconnect from ourselves, because of shame, guilt, lack of self worth, inability to love ourselves, body image issues, whether we are good enough, lack of confidence and more.
So we disconnect, often unknowingly from ourselves, our bodies, our hearts and our genitals…
In part 2 of this blog series of 5 we look at both sides of consent. By that I mean when we are in consent from the “light” and when it’s coming from the place of the “shadow”. Here we start to delve into the “dark” side.