Intimacy & Sex
The 2 biggest challenges I see men for are around the loss of erection and premature ejaculation (PE).
Men are often too embarrassed to admit they have a problem, let alone take action. Often, they will take action when in a new relationship.
Doctors often prescribe various medications which are really a band-aide solution and if men desire to sort this out permanently then they need to see a Sex Therapist. I have doctors now referring men to me for both of these problems.
Loss of erection can be turned around except in instances where the hormones are low or there is a pre-existing condition such as diabetes and prostate loss.
Premature ejaculation is a lot more complex to resolve, however, it can be. For some men it has been a lifelong issue, commencing as young teenagers, exploring their body and being quick and quiet so they don’t get caught. Sometimes, they will grow out of that and sometimes they don’t.
There are occasions when men can start to experience this later in life, so with either of any of the above scenarios, we have to first dig a bit deeper to see what could be influencing what’s happening. These are some of the things to look at:
- State of physical health such as weight, alcohol consumption, a medication which can affect erection function, recreational drugs, fitness or surgery
- State of mind: anxiety, depression, stress or trauma
- Loss of libido and hormone function
- Problems with a partner other than sexual; abuse, cheating, not getting along
- Past relationships
- Sexual abuse, even if it was a long time ago
- Too much porn
- First sexual experience
From there we look at the mindset and how it’s affecting you and working with resolving the negative states of mind that can obviously occur.
For either situation the first thing is to get out of the head and into the body, meditation is a great place to start. I teach a series of exercises to connect into the body, connect the brain to the genitals to start the re-wiring of the neurological pathways between the brain and genitals.
There are also exercises to strengthen the pelvic floor which is key as well as masturbation techniques to help last longer. We also start working with moving the sexual energy as well as adding specific breath techniques.
With premature ejaculation, there is an extra process, where I teach the body to move away from orgasm, whilst staying aroused and we do that through breath and touch therapy. Here we activate the parasympathetic part of the autonomic nervous system.
For some men it can reverse fairly quickly, for others it takes time, everyone is different.
This article appeared in Holistic Bliss online magazine 20 October 2010
Saving your sex life after have a baby can be a challenge. Suddenly you are a mum and have new demands on you and your body. Your relationship to your sexuality changes and your focus is solely on your baby. You have days where you are exhausted and don’t even get to have a shower, let alone get dressed. These are things that are going to contribute to you not feeling interested, let alone sexy.
Some of the challenges you may be experiencing
* Hormones all over the place
* Sleep deprived
* Disconnected from your partner
* Possible prolapse
* Scar tissue from having an episotomy or an C-section and other birth injuries
* Traumatic or painful birth
* Breast feeding problems
* Complete lack of libido
* Birth plan, not going to plan
What About Including Sex in your Birth Plan
It would be fantastic if part of the birth plan was to have a discussion around how to remain intimate and reconnect sexually after baby, but for some reason that is usually completely over looked by everyone.
Feeling Left Out
Your partner is possibly feeling a little excluded and confused as well. He wants to have sex but is scared it will hurt you. Maybe you’ve tried to have sex and it was painful, so you’re scared to go there again. (Please do not put up with having painful sex, this can complicate things further down the track and you may need to see a Sexological Body worker). Also when a new baby arrives, mums are usually consumed with them and so your conversations with your partner are solely about baby things and not much else.
How to get passed the problem
The first thing is to acknowledge how you are both feeling and to talk about it. It might not fix the situation but at least it’s being discussed and not ignored. This way both partner’s feel they are being heard. Often women want to have intimacy and sex, but something has shifted and they don’t want it the same way they used to any more. It’s important to be able to talk about all of these things and to actually say what you are wanting. Often it’s a good idea to take penetrative sex off the table for awhile and also have less focus on orgasm and ejaculation and look at new ways to connect and slowly rebuild the intimacy again which will then lead to penetrative sex when the time is right.
Sometims you have to work at re-creating intimacy
Don’t dump on your partner the minute they get home, you may have had a tough day and be lacking sleep however they possibly are also lacking sleep and have had a stressful day out in the world working at what they do. Give them space too to unwind from their day before asking for help. Create space to connect together – have a big heart felt hug. Breathe together and discuss what works for you, what you require and create agreements about how to move forward with ease and grace
Sex has become goal orientated and action driven and everyone wants a bigger, better, more potent sexual experience than the last time. As a society we are always chasing more and in sex it’s no different. Sex is an energy and when we learn how to manipulate the energy, you can go on one hell of a ride!
My Top 6 Tips To Becoming More Orgasmic
1. Get out of our head and connect into your body and allow the energy to direct you. Close your eyes, take a few breaths into your heart space. Scan your entire body from your feet all the way to the top of the head. This immediately grounds you, connects you to self and gets you out of your head.
Understand some of the key aspects of how your arousal system works
2. The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings and its sole purpose is for pleasure! So get to know it fully. There’s are 3 parts to the clitoris, the head and hood, the shaft which sits behind the head, which when aroused becomes hard, like a mini penis and the legs which are shaped like a wishbone and sit deep below the outer labia.
There are loads of pleasure spots in the vagina
3. Become familiar with the whole vulva,as there are many spots on the vaginal wall that are pleasurable, including the Gspot. There are many other areas of pleasure spots however these are the key ones.
4. Get breathing! Start playing with your breath at times. Bring in some fast breaths through the mouth to ramp up your system and do a few slow deep, sighing breaths to bring it back down. This opens your body to experience and expand your orgasmic experience.
5. Squeeze your pelvic floor muscles in when you fast breathe. This helps move the sexual energy through the body, which makes for a more orgasmic experience.
6. Don’t contract when you orgasm, open your body up more to allow the energy to move freely through you. When you are contracted, it’s got nowhere to go.
Sometimes our libido completely vanishes, one minute it’s there and the next it’s not and you don’t know what to do about it. We can suddenly be left with absolutely no desire or urge to engage in any sexual activity and other times we have the urge without getting the results we desire.
There are many reasons why we can have loss of libido and it can be due to bad health, medication, erectile difficulties, premature ejaculation, menopause, surgeries, stress and anxiety, having babies, young children.
The 3 biggest problems with libido is lack of communication, not enough time, too tired and so it can become a vicious cycle
Libido can come back
The good news is with libido whether you have it, or don’t have it, or never had it, can come back, can be improved & you can learn ways to open yourself to experience more.
If you are in a relationship it often becomes a very big problem when one of you is not interested in sex. Maybe you’ve had a conversation about it that ended in an argument and or tears and so it just gets swept aside and is never discussed again. When that happens it’s like there’s an elephant in the room, or in this instance, in the bed and it’s something that is sitting there between you and creates an energy which effects you. It’s often not discussed because for some reason we have trouble communicating our sexual needs, desires and wants. Couples can talk about all sorts of things, personal things too but for some reason we are still challenged to talk about sex.
Without communication, there is no intimacy, without intimacy there is no sex!
HAVE A CONVERSATION
So sometimes we just have to be brave and sit down and have that conversation and then together you can look for answers. Relationships are all about give and take and that also applies to sex. Sex is your creative life force energy and creates harmony in your mind, body and spirit and to shut it off completely means that your life force is being shut down.
Often to get the libido moving, It’s important to connect back to yourself and start with some solo activity. There’s a few things you can do to reconnect with yourself.
WHERE TO START?
A great place to start is with an exercise where you place your right hand on your heart and your left hand on your genitals. Imagine breathing into your heart, sending the breath down to your genitals and exhaling. Repeating this cycle about 10 times in the morning and at night starts to connect you into your body and more importantly into your genitals. It’s a very healing activity which starts to open your heart, brings forgiveness into yourself for any pain, dissapointment, grief etc that can be connected with the genitals from experiences in life as well as loss of libido.
It’s also really good to start activating your pelvic floor muscles, by tightening them and toning them as well as bringing in some breath techniques to start activating and moving the sexual energy. It’s also good to start connecting with your body, doing some light touch with no expectations or desired outcome, but sinking into your body to create new sensations. From there it can be a gradual build up.
If things still don’t get moving, then it’s great to get in touch with someone that can coach and guide you with a simple plan to shake up and turn the volume up on your libido.
Imagine what it would be like to awaken yourself, to be able to experience sex at a level that is beyond your comprehension. Opening yourself to fully engage with your sexuality so that you can reach the sexual potential that is your birth right as a human being.
WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO DO THAT?
When you are doing the same thing over and over it can become boring and your sexual experiences can become limited. Your body also gets used to the same thing and when you introduce new activities it creates change. It’s no different to when you are wanting to lose weight and you hit a plateau…you need to change what you are eating to revitalise your system. Sex is no different!
Most people tend to put a limit on to how much pleasure they can experience
This sounds kind of crazy but is often very true. There are things that run in the background, in the sub-conscious that come from our belief systems that limit us. We don’t believe we are worth it, maybe we have low self esteem, shame or guilt running and so we limit what we can experience.
Sex has become an action
It’s become very outcome driven, something we do or have done to. When it’s outcome driven we are functioning from our head, our mind is in control and dictating what we should or shouldn’t be doing.
WE NEED TO LEARN TO SLOW DOWN!
Sex is an energy that you surrender to, that you open to and allow. So we need to learn how to get into the body more and get out of our head. When you learn to be in your body the possibilities are endless!
Would you be open to experiencing something new?
Using breath is the quickest way to move your sexual energy. Breath can transform your orgasmic experience and open you to experience more.
When we bring breath in, it helps us to connect to our bodies quickly. People tend to breathe very shallowly, when you take deep breaths, it connects you to yourself, gets you into your body and out of your head. So by bringing in some quick fast breaths as you are pleasuring yourself, or engaged with your partner, it activates your sympathetic nervous system. When that happens, your heart beats faster, your pupils dilate, your internal anal and urethral sphincters constrict and the blood gets pumped to the muscles and organs and excitement and arousal increases.
However you also need to balance that with long deep, slow breaths, relaxed breaths by activating the parasympathetic nervous system. When you bring the slower breath in it calms your body and relaxes it. So your pupils constrict, the blood moves to the core of the body, and your internal anal & urethral sphincters relax.
WHY WOULD I WANT TO RELAX IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX?
At one end of the scale you have excitement and at the other end is joy and bliss. The bits in between is the pleasure and often we miss out on the real pleasure because we are too busy chasing the excitement. When you bring the breath into it you can move between each end of the scale and your body will take over and you will find yourself opening up and experiencing more. The breath allows you to surrender to the energy and go with it and the magic happens in those moments.
It will feel odd at first, like anything new, but if you want to experience more in your orgasm, more in your pleasure, more in your sexual experience, then it’s worth giving it a go. Just ask your body ” Whatever energy space and consciousness can my body and I be to have wilder sex that I’ve ever thought possible with total ease”.
What would it take for you to become more at peace with your body, more at peace with your sexual pleasure?
Hope you enjoy your new Sexy self! xx
HOW SCAR REMEDIATION WORK CAN HELP
When we injure ourselves through accidents or surgery, scars are created.
This is a good thing, otherwise we’d be running around with big gaping festering holes
Scars are made up of collagen fibres and when an injury occurs, fibroblasts produce collagen to repair the injury. When this happens it repairs the area randomly, a bit like a birds nest, instead of following the grain of the original tissue, so this new collagen is thicker than the original collagen and can stick surfaces together internally.
Internal scars or adhesions are a little bit like octopus tendrils, where they travel from the original injury through many layers of tissue throughout the body.
You’re probably thinking, yeah, so what!
SO THAT PAIN IN MY……
You may feel your scar isn’t effecting you but maybe your scar is, but you would never, ever imagine what is going on in your body, could be coming from that scar or from the internal adhesions.
As a trained Somatic Sexological Body Worker we have been taught how to massage both internally and externally with women and men to work with these adhesions. We work externally with the scar, by applying organic castor oil packs and then massaging and palpating the area to give movement to the scar with organic castor oil and an organic solvent combination. By doing this we are causing the internal adhesions to release. We work internally to release the adhesions as well if required.
Scars can sometimes be very painful to touch, even years later
MASSAGE CAN HELP
By massaging the scars using 4 different techniques, we can release pain within the scar and release referred pain in other parts of the body, which can occur from releases in the actual scar. It’s a little bit like trigger point work that a general massage therapist would apply.
Here’s a list of just a few areas that can be effected by internal adhesions, but not limited to these only:
Any surgery to do with childbirth, episiotomies, natural tears, C-sections, hysterectomies, ectopic pregnancy removal, abortion, prostatectomy, bladder infections, endometriosis, organs, ligaments, tendons, fascia, muscles, any abdominal surgery, injuries to the coccyx, breast implants, head injuries, circumcision, peyronies disease & bowel surgery etc.
Are you experiencing painful sex? – There could be numbness or inflammation internally
BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW THIS
Many women are unaware of lack of feelings or sensations experienced internally in the vaginal passage. This can come from childbirth, uncomfortable of painful sex, hard thrusting etc. By mapping internally with the organic castor oil we can determine any numbness and any pain sensations and slowly restore the vaginal walls to being able to feel sensations and pleasure. This is also done using the organic castor oil and an organic solvent combination.
Do you have low libido? – There could be internal adhesions in the vaginal canal
This can happen for women due to childbirth, sexual abuse, painful sex, vaginitis, pelvic floor inflammation, menopause, endometriosis, hysterectomies etc.
Again, massaging the scar with organic castor oil and applying castor oil packs can make very big changes, quite quickly to how the scar looks and feels. By palpating the scar you can free up the internal adhesions as well as release any pain associated with the scar. Quite often scars can be sunk in and this is due to the adhesions attaching to the organs. Scars can also have a lot of lumps which is known as keloids and scar remediation can assist with this as well.
Your scar WILL NOT disappear but it’s going to look & feel dramatically different!
Massaging the scar can bring back sensation in the area. Here are some photos taken over a period of 2 weeks of an abdominal scar.
This person had 10 inches of their small intestine taken out, as well as their appendix and about 2 inches of their large intestine. Luckily they have no problem with their gut or bowel because after the surgery 34 years ago, they gave up eating rubbish and eat very clean food and exercise. However the scar is quite sore in places and they were not happy with the original appearance, but are now after a week, are very happy with the look and feel.
“Can’t believe the difference in the scar in such a short time, it feels lighter and other areas of my body where the adhesion trail ended, such as my bicep, is feeling better as well – DE.”
Are you curious and want to know more? Please feel free to contact me.
Vaginoplasy & Labia surgery is an invention that prays on women & lines surgeons pockets with “blood” money. It amazes me how the surgeons get away with it & it amazes me that women are gullable enough to think this type of surgery can be a good thing. We as women are bombarded with false imaging in all forms of advertising, most women know it, yet still get caught up in the phenomenon of being & looking perfect.
GUESS WHAT YOUR MAN OR LADY LIKES IT JUST THE WAY IT IS!
I’ll give you a hint ladies, guys or chicks, don’t really care that much! If they have a woman that likes them, wants to have sex with them, then they are pretty happy.
Learn to love your vagina/vulva
I just recently read an article on Vaginoplasty where it stated, that no-one wants a sloppy vagina!
Like all parts of our bodies as we age things change & our vaginas are no different, They can change from having babies & as we get older they can change through menopause, but there is still no viable reason to have surgery on them. Surgery will come at a huge cost!
Those nerve endings inside your vagina help you to become aroused
Sexual feelings will be numbed & the scarring from surgery can cause even more complications as well as more loss of sensation.
Think about it…the procedure is to remove excess vaginal lining & tightening of tissues & muscles.
Did you know there are over 8,000 nerve endings in the female genitalia & they are cutting away a lot of those nerve endings! The majority of women are not even experiencing the fullness of their natural orgastic selves & to have this surgery will even lessen it.
Another statement in the article stated that once the vaginal walls are stretched like elastic, there is no coming back. This is absolute garbage.
There are many natural ways to tighten weak muscles and the first place to start is doing the Kegel or PC strengthening exercises. For some women this can be tough to do, so it’s important to be checked out to ensure that there are not other issues going on, for example a prolapsed bladder. Natural methods will work, you just have to find the right person to work with you & guide you with the right things to do.
CAN IT GET ANY WORSE? – APPARENTLY IT DOES
The article then went on to talk about Gspot amplification where collagen is inserted into the Gspot to make it easier to find! For F@*k’s sake, really?
I can guide anyone within 1 minute to finding the Gspot, it really isn’t that difficult to find
IT’S GETTING CRAZIER!
More unethical & ridiculous surgery being offered is Clitoral unhooding to remove the hood from the clitoris. Why to make it easier to find? To make it easier to stimulate? What is shown in porn has been air brushed and is fact law here in Australia which makes them look all tidy and neat with nothing showing,
There are different types of vulvas & vaginas & they are all beautiful. As women we don’t grow up looking at them because of the fact that they are tucked away, unlike male genitals.
Ladies learn to love yourself & all parts that make you the individual, beautiful female that you are
Women, you need to educate yourselves fully and stop taking the easy way out. If you want to have a fantastic sexual, orgastic life and you aren’t then seek out someone who can help you. There are plenty of us, Sex Educators out there!
TANTRA CAN MEAN SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE
We hear the term Tantra & it can mean different things to people and that’s because there are many layers and ways to use Tantra. A lot of people think it’s some weird & wacky “sex thing” or something like the Kama Sutra which involves lots of strange & complicated positions. For relationships it’s a way to deepen intimacy & the sexual experience.
So what is it and how and how can it can benefit you?
Very briefly, the word Tantra is Sanskrit from the sacred language of Hinduism. It comes from the word tan, which really translates to expanding and extending, spreading, weaving or manifesting. So like the world we live in, Tantra is the continual expansion of energy, spreading out like a cosmic wave which is made up of different energies.
So why would you want to tap into this energy and ride the wave?
CONNECT MORE WITH SELF AND PARTNER
Tantra is a way to connect more deeply to yourself through various practices of breath, specific exercises, connection to self & to your partner. It opens you to experience more sexually & become more intimate within your relationship. When you practice these techniques it will allow you to connect on a much deeper level which brings you together in a conscious way, being present with each other and allowing yourself to explore sexually together. It’s about creating harmony and balancing the energies of the masculine and the feminine within yourself and your partner.
Tantric practice will connect you with your partner on a much deeper and more intimate level. It brings you into presence with each other and will certainly reignite the spark in any relationship. It will bring a stronger awareness to everything you do when you engage sexually and allow you to slow down, explore each other with no fixed idea of what and how your love making will be or look like.
Sex is usually focused on the outcome
The man must have an erection and the woman must have x amount of orgasms. How long foreplay should be before you can have intercourse, lots of internal dialogue and how the foreplay should look with a demand sometimes of this is what I want so I can “get” sometimes consciously and sometimes not.
Tantra is a journey, bringing in an awareness to everything you do…how you touch, how you feel, how you breathe, how you smell and taste as well as how you engage or connect with your partner.
By using our breath in sexual practice it assists with allowing the “prana” or life force to flow through our body and this energy can take you to a higher spiritual place.
SPIRITUAL AND SEXUAL ENERGIES COMBINED
Tantra is where spiritual and sexual energies go hand in hand. It’s being in your truth around everything, your feelings and emotions which then effects how you communicate with your partner on all levels, not just sexually.
When you are consciously working with your sexual energy it’s very different to just having sex, it goes beyond that.
There are also many exercises that can help with flagging libido for both men & women. As well as exercises & breathing techniques to help with erectile challenges, becoming multi-orgasmic for men & women as well as teaching men to separate their ejaculation from orgasm, so they can last longer. All of these exercises will increase energy and stamina, because the sexual energy is being cultivated. Then there is Tantra massage which is a specific type of massage designed to awaken new pleasure pathways as well as prolonging the sexual experience.
So why wouldn’t you want to learn more about Tantra?
Tantra is like a pathway to another world that engages and connects you, physically, spiritually & emotionally firstly to yourself and then to your partner.
There has been a lot of talk lately on labiaplasty and how common this is now becoming. So today I want to focus on some basic SEX Education for all adults, both young and old.
Let’s get some basic facts first about female genitalia. For some reason everyone is calling this region a vagina when this is actually not the correct term. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not really fussed if you call it that rather than the correct word, which is vulva, just don’t call it some silly name like “fou fou, woo woo or coochie” or something else silly! Because vaginas or vulva’s are far from silly, they are serious, they are fun, they are for loving, they are a treasure trove, they are delicious and they are for enjoyment and should be celebrated for all the different ways they look.
So here’s some SEX Education to get you more familiar to your relationship to self.
It saddens me that there is a lack of education around what our vulvas look like and that many women actually believe that there is something wrong with theirs. The only thing they have to compare it to is porn and unfortunately here in Australia and probably lots of other countries there is a cencorship law which doesn’t allow the inner labia to be shown. So when some women look at their vulvas they think they are freaks and this is so not the case!
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE VULVA & THE VAGINA?
The vulva is the whole external genital area and has more than 1 component and includes the outer and inner lips (labia), which has many nerve endings, the clitoris and is the gateway to the vagina which is in fact the canal that connects to the uterus and cervix.
What many women don’t realise is that all vulvas are different. Just as the length of the inner and outer lips can vary from woman to woman, so can the depth of the vagina, where the Gspot, Uspot & Aspot are located a well as what the actual Vulva looks like. Some inner and outer lips will be different sizes, some will have more folds of skin & others will be neat and tidy. Our clitoris also comes in different shapes & sizes, some are hooded & some are more exposed.
Different doesn’t mean wrong or weird or freaky. We are all different shapes and sizes, short, tall, large, small, blonde, brunette, so if that’s the case, then why would our vulvas be the same?
Unfortunately, too many women are undergoing labiaplasty and it really has to STOP! There is no need for it as your vulva is perfectly normal and beautiful, just the way it is. Unfortunately for women unless you are a beautician doing waxing, or into women sexually, you are not going to get to see other women’s vulvas.
How many of you have actually got a mirror out and looked at yours?
CHECK OUT YOUR OWN
If you haven’t I really recommend that you do. If you are looking at porn magazines or porn online, quite often you are seeing very neat and tidy vulvas and that’s because of ridiculous censorship laws. Hence the rise of labiaplasty because women don’t know that this is the case and that vulvas come in all shapes and sizes.
If you are interested in more information there will be a workshop running on the Sunshine Coast on Wednesday, 18th December where more information and discussion will be held with the purpose of Sex Education and learning about your relationship to self. Please contact me for information.
WHAT IS LOVE?
The word love is probably one of the most over used words in the English language and can get so misconstrued when in an intimate relationship. It has so many meanings and can have so many attachments to it. How often do you express your love in your intimate relationship by saying “I love you”? Quite often it’s not expressed clearly. We may feel we love our partner but we don’t always express it. It’s also how you express it, saying “I love you” as easily as “what do you want for dinner”, can leave little impact and lose the meaning.