Sex

#metoo Yes, No, Fun, Games – Part 5 of 5

The 3 Minute Game

Another fun game to get used to consent and boundaries is to play the 3 minute game. Ask to do something with your partner; ie. Can I give you a shoulder massage. Partner to feel into their body and answer from that place, if it feels like a yes, then go ahead. However if the boundary or sensation is telling them that they are not comfortable with that, then simply say NO can you choose something else. Once an agreement is reached, put a timer on for 3 minutes. If it’s a shoulder massage that’s been offered, then it’s just the shoulders, you don’t go up the neck or down the back or arms…it’s just the shoulders. That is what you asked for. This keeps it in consent and within agreed boundaries.

You can then extend that into more of a sexual component if you are both in consent and in agreement to explore in that way…

 

No-one Should Ever Experience Consent in the Shadow

The more conscious and present we become the easier it is to connect from a place of authenticity. Sexual crimes of any nature is a crime against life. Perpetrators have mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters and children so it’s incredibly hard to fathom how this happens. However one thing we know for sure is that it’s been happening since the beginning of time. That doesn’t make it right, that does not justify it to continue to happen.

The #metoo campaign has started to lift the lid on a worldwide capacity and women are saying NO MORE. Enough is enough! The Dalai Lama said something along the lines of “It will be the western women who will change the world”…change is coming – How does it get better than that!

We can’t change the past however it’s how we move forward into the future, that makes the difference.

#metoo Consentual Touch, When It’s in the Light-Part 4 of 5

Two Types of Touch

Whenever there is touch, there are 2 factors, the person doing the touching and the person receiving the touch. You can touch for the other person’s benefit/pleasure or you can touch for your pleasure, how it feels for you.

There are 4 factors in the container of authentic touch. You are doing the touch, they are not doing the touch and it can be for the other person or for yourself.

Giving and Receiving

When You Are Doing touch it’s for the other person.  It’s about giving, being in service and coming from a space of connection, appreciation, being useful, a place of devotion, valuing the other person and learning what sort of touch they like.

The receiver is not doing and are expressing that they may be touched and are allowing the touch. They are receiving the gift of being given to by surrendering, receiving the pleasure, being of service, supportive, useful and witnessing and being part of the experience.

You can also be doing the touch for yourself by absorbing the touch, taking it for your experience.  This is about being responsible, having integrity and gratitude.

Again the receiver is in a space of not doing, they are receiving the gift of touch through being adored, attended to, supported, nurtured and valued.

An example of giving could be giving your partner head so they can experience it.

An example of absorbing could be doing head on your partner for your benefit of how it feels to do it.

Consent Can Change Every Ten Seconds…

 

What I mean by that is what is ok, one moment may not be ok the next moment or the next day.  Consent for ourselves is about feeling into our body to see if our body wants or desires that type of touch in that moment.  We are to conditioned to endure or put up with touch that we may not be enjoying and for some reason through upbringing we have difficulty in saying no, this is not ok, I’m not liking this or simply say STOP.   Checking in and communicating is always a great place to start.

Try This With Your Partner or Even a Friend

Here’s an activity you can try around giving and receiving with your partner.  Ask for permission and then touch their arm in a way that will feel nice for them.  That’s giving.

Then touch their arm for your benefit.  How does it feel on your hand, on your finger tips as you run your hand over their arm?  With both play with the touch, as in light, firm, whole hand, back of the hand, fingers.

Of course with consent you could apply the same technique to their back or their genitals…

 

In part 5 of this blog series of 5 we look at another fun activity where we can play with boundaries and explore how to say yes and no.

 

#metoo Creating Boundaries-Part 3 of 5

Boundaries

Boundaries play a big part with consent and something that a lot of people don’t understand or know how to create them in many aspects of life.  Think about when you were little and you were visiting Aunty Bertha or Uncle Bob or whoever and all they wanted to do was give you a big hug. Engulf you into their arms and you really didn’t want that hug, yet mum or dad are telling you, be polite, say hello, give them a hug.

So we want to feel into the energy or the space of what feels right in our body at that moment…

 

A Fun Game to Practice

Sit with your partner or friend and play the boundary game, it’s pretty simple.  None of it’s actionable.  Ask your partner/friend 3 times if you can do something to them.  Make it something you know they would like and also make it something you know they won’t like.  Regardless of the question, the partner/friend has to say YES.  However, before answering feel into your body, then say YES and then feel into how that actually felt to say yes to something that you did not want to happen or experience and the difference it felt when you actually would like to say YES.  Then reverse roles.

Part 2

The 2nd part of this activity is exactly the same, though this time, one person will ask 3 more questions and this time you will again feel into your body however you will answer NO.  Again feel what that feels like to say NO to something you do want to have and what it feels like to say NO to something you definitely don’t want.

You can expand on that with intimate touch.  This really helps you to get present and have awareness of what you wish to receive and not receive.  I recommend all people in relationship do this regularly.

In part 4 of this blog series of 5 we look and explore what exactly Consensual Touch is.

#metoo Looking at The Shadow-Part 2 of 5

Let’s Look at Both Sides of Consent, from the Light and the Shadow:  What is it Really?

I’m going to discuss the different aspects of consent from 4 different perspectives coming from what’s known as authentic consent, or consent in the light.  As well as talk about the 4 different aspects of the shadow side of consent.  This information is taken from Dr Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent, www.bettymartin.org which I’ve been taught as a Somatic Sexological Body Worker and use in my practice.

The Shadow Side of Consent…

 

When you are in the shadow and coming from the place of “doing” you are in fact giving from a place of control, cohersion, entrapment, bullying and martyr slavery.

When They Are Doing Touch

When in a place of they are “doing” to you, its allowing the behaviour and will bring feelings of abuse and being violated, which can allow you to become the victim.

When they are coming from the “doing” mentality it’s for their own gratification, it’s about being lecherous, getting a feel, groping, molesting, leering, abuse and rape.

When in a place of “doing” to you it’s about receiving their behaviour of being manipulative, selfish and cohersive.  In other words it’s all about them.

No person should ever experience the shadow side of consent, however it is prevalent in society.  The #metoo campaign which I also wrote my about my experience is paving the way for change.

So how do we bring about change for ourselves?…

 

When one person thinks they are giving and the other person thinks they are allowing, then no-one is actually receiving.  We are tolerating it and it’s on the edge of consent and we think about it…how often are we doing this time and time again.

In part 3 of this blog series of 5 we look at boundaries.  How can we recognise what they are for ourselves and some fun games to practice it.

#metoo – Both Sides of Consent-Part 1 of 5

Sexual Harrasment

With the huge outpouring on social media for the #metoo campaign, I’ve noticed a lot of discussions from people that still don’t quite get the implications of non consensual touch.  They certainly understand the consequences of rape and sexual assault however for some reason they seem to be missing the point around sexual harassment in the variety of forms it comes in.  At the end of the day there is no place for any of this.

The #metoo campaign is a great starting point to start creating the change the world requires…

 

With the #metoo campaign, what it shows is that when the veil of silence lifts, it creates the possibility of something different.  It unburdens everyone – it allows the hidden shame and the secrets carried to be laid down for all to see.

To show that you are not alone, that there are so many others who have had similar experiences, some worse than others, yet still have experienced some form of sexual abuse or sexual assault.

Not about being a victim…

 

This is not about being a victim or even about gender, although I believe the statistics would show that women are the main receivers of this abuse.  It’s about speaking up, putting a voice to what’s been carried silently, sometimes for years, sometimes for decades.

The energetic aspect alone from this sharing has a massive potential for change.  It’s in the open, it’s being talked about, it’s not being hidden anymore.

And isn’t that what we all want to see…

 

If we wish to live full, happy lives where we can love ourselves and connect deeply with another human being and experience the fullness of an intimate and sexual relating experience, then we need to un-bury all these secrets and emotions that we have squashed down inside us.

Become Present

We need to learn how to become present in our bodies and not be in our heads or completely out of our beings, so we can connect to ourselves and another.

We disconnect from ourselves, because of shame, guilt, lack of self worth, inability to love ourselves, body image issues, whether we are good enough, lack of confidence and more.

So we disconnect, often unknowingly from ourselves, our bodies, our hearts and our genitals…

 

In part 2 of this blog series of 5 we look at both sides of consent.  By that I mean when we are in consent from the “light” and when it’s coming from the place of the “shadow”.  Here we start to delve into the “dark” side.

Sexual Potency – Part 5

SECRETS OF THE PELVIC FLOOR

There are a few specific movements that assist the movement of the sexual energy and the most important one is to squeeze the Pelvic floor muscles. These are located between the pubic bone and the sacrum. Most women know how to activate their pelvic floor muscles, for men, imagine your testicles hitting icy cold water and pull them up.

There are a few specific movements that assist the movement of the sexual energy and the most important one is to squeeze the Pelvic floor muscles. These are located between the pubic bone and the sacrum. Most women know how to activate their pelvic floor muscles, for men, imagine your testicles hitting icy cold water and pull them up.

Mix and Match…

 

So it’s a combination of playing with the breath and squeezing the pelvic floor muscle. There is no set way of doing the breath and movement. You can’t do it the whole time you are having sex because you will be exhausted.

When you squeeze the pelvic floor muscles what this does is push the sexual energy through the body. If your body is relaxed during the sexual experience and not locked then the energy can move around which creates a very different orgasmic experience.

This can open both men and women up to experiencing more!

 

For men it means that they can start to experience way much more. The orgasm, ejaculation experience can be much more intense and they can start to experience body orgasms. From here there are other techniques that can be learned to bring about multiple orgasms and ejaculation choice. For women it can help you to open your body for more pleasure, to experience body and multiple orgasms. Squeezing the pelvic floor muscles makes your orgasm stronger which leads to a different experience. The great thing is that by doing this you intensify your orgasmic experience by awakening your sexual energy.

Total surrender…

 

The more connected you are to yourself the more you can experience in your sexual journey. Letting go of outcomes and allowing the body and your being to unravel at its own pace will contribute to your experience. Sex is more than something you do, something you participate in just because it feels good. Sex is an energy that you can learn to open up to and allow. It’s about being in total surrender to the moment and experiencing the bliss. Be in your body and allow the infinite possibilities to unravel.

Enjoy and have fun!

Sexual Potency – Part 4

BREATH AND MOVEMENT

The way of tapping into your sexual energy and awakening it to its full potency is through breath and movement and being present in your body and not in your head.

We need to manipulate the Autonomic Nervous System

 

The Autonomic Nervous System is divided into 2 parts: The Sympathetic Nervous System and the Parasympathetic Nervous System.

The sympathetic nervous system up regulates the body to prepare it to flee to safety when in danger. The Parasympathetic Nervous system down regulates the body to return it to the ability to rest and repair.

So basically the sympathetic nervous system ramps you up and the parasympathetic slows you down.

When your Sympathetic Nervous System is activated, it gets your whole system moving. You become more alert, your pupils dilate, you breathe more quickly, your heart beats faster and blood starts moving around the muscles. Your blood sugar rises and your internal anal and urethral sphincters constrict.

When the Parasympathetic Nervous System is activated, it slows you down, your breath and heart beat slow down, your pupils constrict, the blood moves to the core, the internal anal and urethral sphincters relax as does the whole skeleton.

When we are having sex we are usually in the Sympathetic Nervous system, because we are getting aroused and moving towards orgasm. We need to manipulate the nervous system by activating the Parasympathetic Nervous System.

Meditation during sex? What….

 

I know it sounds weird to slow your system down when you’re in your sexual experience however this allows the body to rest, even for just a minute and that can then kick your orgasmic system into another level and ultimately bring you to having a deeper sexual experience and allowing you to connect deeper with yourself and/or partner.

It’s all about the breath

 

We do this through activating our breath. To up regulate or to activate the Sympathetic Nervous system we do a variety of quick, fast breaths, usually through the mouth. We have to be careful to not lock our jaws tight and to breathe faster in a slightly relaxed manner. We have to be careful to not hyper-ventilate. Sometimes when people first start playing with this type of breathing they can experience pins and needles or locking up of the hands. This is called tetany and occurs due to blockages with the energy. When this happens, bring your breath back to normal. If you keep going you will end up with a hand that looks like the claw! temporarily only.

To activate the Parasympathetic Nervous System, we down regulate with our breath. Simply taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling. If we can bring some sound into the exhale that gives a vibration in the throat which can activate the sexual energy more. There is no set pattern, just start to play with it.

Activating the Pelvic Floor for more pleasure…

Sexual Potency – Part 3

 

 

MASTURBATION

 

What’s going on when you self pleasure?

 

First off, are you self pleasuring and if not, why not? Often when people get into relationships, they automatically stop self pleasuring because their sexual needs are being met by the person they are with. Or they think they shouldn’t or they feel guilty because they are now in a relationship.
Whether you are in a relationship or not, I believe self pleasuring is extremely important for you as an individual. It’s about taking your sexuality and your sexual experiences for you, for a myriad of reasons. Self love, self care, self nourishment, health, own expression and connection. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own sexual experiences, for bringing our own pleasure to ourselves. We need to know what we like, how we like to be touched, what awakens us and not delegate our sexual requirements to someone else to “take care of,” all the time.

It’s all about love

 

Self love is so important, if we can’t love ourselves fully in every aspect, including sexually, then how can we expect someone else to.

Single people often just pack up shop and close the door and don’t go there whilst they are single. The danger with that is, that you are shutting your libido down, burying it and when you do that all sorts of complications can come in. Your emotions get shut down, your health can be effected, you can become sick and for men erectile function can be effected.

Our sexual energy is our life force

 

When you are not utilizing your sexual energy, you are not living, you are existing!

So for a moment, think about how you self pleasure. Do you always go for the same style, techniques, little tricks to get you there? Do you reach for the top draw and automatically pull out your toys and go straight to the genitals? Do you put on a porn movie to get you going? What is your habit? What is your pattern?

When we become aware of what our patterns are, we can then look at new ways to awaken ourselves up.

There is lots of different things we can do with regards to touch and how we can self pleasure differently through friction based sex which can change your sexual experience.

Breath and Movement……..

Sexual Potency – Part 2

 

DIS-ENGAGE AND DISCONNECT

 

We also disconnect from ourselves due to shame and guilt, from previous experiences, perhaps one of them being busted for masturbating by a parent when we were young or a partner and made to feel guilty by our partner, because “they” should be enough. We also disconnect because we can’t handle to much pleasure, (crazy, I know), so we block and limit ourselves.

We also disconnect from our sexual experience if we watch too much porn. When we engage
with porn on a consistent basis we are externalizing, which disconnects us from ourselves. There are ways to utilize porn in your sexual play where you can stay connected to yourself.

We not only disconnect from our bodies, we also create a massive disconnection from our hearts and genitals, it’s almost like they come from 2 different locations

So how does this disconnection effect us?

 

What it does is keeps us in our heads, which doesn’t allow the natural sexual energy to flow.

Sex has become goal orientated and action driven and everyone wants a bigger, better, more potent sexual experience than the last time.

If we looked at a graph for sex, at one end would be Joy and Bliss and at the other end there would be excitement. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, however there is a lot of pleasure being missed out on in between because we are all busy in our heads, consciously or sub-consciously going through our check lists.

We’re planning what we are going to do next. We’re busy focusing on what we are doing instead of focusing on the experience.

As a society we are always chasing more and in sex it’s no different. Sex is an energy and when we learn how to manipulate the energy, we can take our erotic pleasure beyond anything we can even imagine!

Friction…Friction…Friction

 

Most people focus on genital, friction based sex which is fantastic. Some people are better at it than others and require some guidance and there is always more you can learn. We also become creatures of habits in our lives and in sex it’s no different. We get into the patterns of liking it in a certain way, a certain position, doing it the same and that’s great for awhile, yet it can also become a bit too familiar, a bit too same, same. That’s when boredom can set in and we can find ourselves in a funk, not really interested in sex as much and then after awhile, our libido can start to drop and it can become a real effort.

What’s going on…?

Sexual Potency – Part 1

SEXUAL POTENCY – YES PLEASE, I’LL HAVE SOME OF THAT!

Just for a moment, take some time to think about how you have sex.

 

– How do you experience it?
– What goes on in your body?
– What feelings and emotions do you feel?
– What thoughts are occurring for you whilst you’re in the middle of it?
– Where is your focus?

That’s quite a bit to think about isn’t it?

 

Imagine what it would be like to awaken yourself, to be able to experience sex at a level that is beyond your comprehension. Opening yourself to fully engage with your sexuality so that you can reach the sexual potential that is your birth right as a human being.
Would you be willing to do that?

Most people when they are having sex are not connected, grounded or present with themselves let alone their partner. This is a recipe for massive disconnection which then restricts how you and your body engages and responds during a sexual experience.

Checking out….

 

Many people check out of their bodies when they’re having sex and the reason they do that is varied and is not something we are often conscious of. It can be as simple as a habit; you’re experiencing an orgasm, so you shut your eyes & go off somewhere into the cosmos. There is nothing wrong with doing this, however when your eyes are closed you disconnect from self and your partner. So just open your eyes occasionally, look at your partner, connect. It can also come from lack of self worth and self esteem. On a sub-conscious level we put limits on our sexual pleasure, crazy I know! A woman may think, “oh finally I had one”, so they stop. A man believes he’s done because he’s ejaculated and stops.

Get out of your head..

 

We are in our heads a lot, wondering what we look like, self consciousness comes into it as well. Maybe a woman doesn’t like going on top because as she bounces around having a good time, so is the rest of her body which makes her feel self conscious, so she’ll disconnect from herself. The reality of it is the person underneath you doesn’t care, they are loving it. Guys on a sub-conscious level are wondering if they are good enough, man enough, if their penis enough, can they get the woman to orgasm…it’s like a mission and we end up with a whole lot of “to do lists” of got to do this, before we can do that and so it’s like this eternal search for more.

So while all this is going on….

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