My First Time…

Everyone’s been telling me to start blogging, to just dive in and do it – so here I am blogging for my first time officially!  It got me thinking along the lines of “first times” and all my “first times” through life.  All the different experiences and how our first experience of a situation can shape us, depending on the way we view life and the particular situation.  How and what we think, our behaviours, our values and our beliefs are usually so automatic, we don’t often behave from a conscious perspective and a lot of who we are is driven from our unconscious.

I remember the first time I had sex.  It was certainly not what I thought it would be?  It wasn’t anything like I was led to believe how it would be by the movies I’d seen, the books I had read or what my friends told me.  So I wonder how was your first sexual experience? Was it everything you had hoped it would be?  I’m sure it was nothing like what your parents told you.  I suspect most parents explained the basics under the extremely out dated guise of “the birds and the bees” – like that has anything to do with it!.

I’m pretty sure it’s not much different these days either and that’s mainly because no-one really wants to talk about sex.  I wanted my daughter to have good experiences of sex and so we talked in great detail about it and are both really comfortable to discuss anything at all.  I know for most of my generation, let’s say 40 plus we weren’t told a great deal about what to expect when it came to having sex for the first time and most of us were handed a book.  I was one of the rare lucky ones where my mum actually talked about what was happening with our bodies changing and she did touch ever so lightly on the topic of sex which was most unusual.  I remember sitting around with her and my girlfriends and her discussing these topics with us all.  The reason she did that was because she wasn’t educated and was very traumatised and so did not want that for me or my friends.  So she gave what information she could bearing in mind the era that it was.  At least she made an effort.

I actually don’t believe it is that much different for this new generation.  Whilst they have more access to internet and media than what my generation did, people are still not talking about sex or intimacy.  It’s still very much basic information.  I did some research on the internet not long ago and found something where a professor in the USA was talking about 10 ways a woman and 10 ways a man can experience orgasm.  I checked it out as I wanted to see what they had to say and really it was all light and fluff, nothing mind shattering nothing new and there were still at least 5 ways to experience orgasm that I know about that wasn’t even discussed!

So it’s no wonder that many people today are experiencing challenges with intimacy and sexuality.  There is such a bombardment of false imagery and emphasis on sex today and there are not many places where there are discussions around sex and what it means to have a beautiful and intimate & fulfilling sexual relationship?

Most people don’t really talk about sex, it’s too personal, up there with not discussing how much you earn and how much tax you pay.  Yet sex is statistically one of the most important activities in our lives apart from health and food.

I bet most of you weren’t aware that on 21 December it was Global Orgasm for Peace day, unless you are my facebook friend, then you may have spotted it.  Someone decided it was a good idea for everyone to have an orgasm that day with the intention of raising the vibration of the planet for global healing and to focus on places of war.  What a great idea, well I thought so.

I posted the link on facebook and I was really surprised at how few comments it attracted! So much so, that I reposted it that night and again a handful of comments.  So that got me thinking, was it just because it was on facebook that people didn’t want to be so open about having an orgasm for Global Orgasm day or was it much deeper than that?  Everyone posts on facebook practically their whole life, so why not comment here, even if it was in a light hearted manner?

From my experience, sex it not talked about because quite often people are having challenges with their intimacy and their sexuality.  There is a lot of frustration, expectation, anxiety and general concerns around sex.  Most people appear to be going through this on one level or another and a lot of people simply shut down their sexuality due to a variety of challenges they may be facing, whether they are going through some emotional turmoil, health issues, relationship challenges, self worth or a myriad of other reasons.

The good news is that these challenges can change, it’s just a matter of taking some action, evaluating and pinpointing the exact issue and then taking positive steps to move forward.

I think from my first blog you can tell I’m just a little bit passionate about having loving, committed, intimate relationships where you can take yourself to that next level of connection and experience deeper heart space connection and more amazing, mind shattering sex!

Pauline Ryeland, Intimacy & Sexuality Coach

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