My First Time…

Everyone’s been telling me to start blogging, to just dive in and do it – so here I am blogging for my first time officially!  It got me thinking along the lines of “first times” and all my “first times” through life.  All the different experiences and how our first experience of a situation can shape us, depending on the way we view life and the particular situation.  How and what we think, our behaviours, our values and our beliefs are usually so automatic, we don’t often behave from a conscious perspective and a lot of who we are is driven from our unconscious.

I remember the first time I had sex.  It was certainly not what I thought it would be?  It wasn’t anything like I was led to believe how it would be by the movies I’d seen, the books I had read or what my friends told me.  So I wonder how was your first sexual experience? Was it everything you had hoped it would be?  I’m sure it was nothing like what your parents told you.  I suspect most parents explained the basics under the extremely out dated guise of “the birds and the bees” – like that has anything to do with it!.

I’m pretty sure it’s not much different these days either and that’s mainly because no-one really wants to talk about sex.  I wanted my daughter to have good experiences of sex and so we talked in great detail about it and are both really comfortable to discuss anything at all.  I know for most of my generation, let’s say 40 plus we weren’t told a great deal about what to expect when it came to having sex for the first time and most of us were handed a book.  I was one of the rare lucky ones where my mum actually talked about what was happening with our bodies changing and she did touch ever so lightly on the topic of sex which was most unusual.  I remember sitting around with her and my girlfriends and her discussing these topics with us all.  The reason she did that was because she wasn’t educated and was very traumatised and so did not want that for me or my friends.  So she gave what information she could bearing in mind the era that it was.  At least she made an effort.

I actually don’t believe it is that much different for this new generation.  Whilst they have more access to internet and media than what my generation did, people are still not talking about sex or intimacy.  It’s still very much basic information.  I did some research on the internet not long ago and found something where a professor in the USA was talking about 10 ways a woman and 10 ways a man can experience orgasm.  I checked it out as I wanted to see what they had to say and really it was all light and fluff, nothing mind shattering nothing new and there were still at least 5 ways to experience orgasm that I know about that wasn’t even discussed!

So it’s no wonder that many people today are experiencing challenges with intimacy and sexuality.  There is such a bombardment of false imagery and emphasis on sex today and there are not many places where there are discussions around sex and what it means to have a beautiful and intimate & fulfilling sexual relationship?

Most people don’t really talk about sex, it’s too personal, up there with not discussing how much you earn and how much tax you pay.  Yet sex is statistically one of the most important activities in our lives apart from health and food.

I bet most of you weren’t aware that on 21 December it was Global Orgasm for Peace day, unless you are my facebook friend, then you may have spotted it.  Someone decided it was a good idea for everyone to have an orgasm that day with the intention of raising the vibration of the planet for global healing and to focus on places of war.  What a great idea, well I thought so.

I posted the link on facebook and I was really surprised at how few comments it attracted! So much so, that I reposted it that night and again a handful of comments.  So that got me thinking, was it just because it was on facebook that people didn’t want to be so open about having an orgasm for Global Orgasm day or was it much deeper than that?  Everyone posts on facebook practically their whole life, so why not comment here, even if it was in a light hearted manner?

From my experience, sex it not talked about because quite often people are having challenges with their intimacy and their sexuality.  There is a lot of frustration, expectation, anxiety and general concerns around sex.  Most people appear to be going through this on one level or another and a lot of people simply shut down their sexuality due to a variety of challenges they may be facing, whether they are going through some emotional turmoil, health issues, relationship challenges, self worth or a myriad of other reasons.

The good news is that these challenges can change, it’s just a matter of taking some action, evaluating and pinpointing the exact issue and then taking positive steps to move forward.

I think from my first blog you can tell I’m just a little bit passionate about having loving, committed, intimate relationships where you can take yourself to that next level of connection and experience deeper heart space connection and more amazing, mind shattering sex!

Pauline Ryeland, Intimacy & Sexuality Coach

9 Responses to My First Time…

  • What a great article Pauline! Well done and congratulations on your first blog kiss 🙂


  • Hi Pauline,
    Just to prove I have no issues with discussing sex, I am going to comment LOL.
    But first welcome to blogging!!!
    Yes people still dance around the subject of sex. I thought my mum and I had a pretty open relationship but when I think about it now, sex was still talked about in vague terms, though to be fair I think some of that may have been me begging my mother to stop talking haha. As I have grown older I have become a lot more comfortable talking about sex with friends, but still know which ones I can and can’t speak to about this topic.
    My kids are only 5 and 6 years of age but I have answered any questions they have had and will continue to do so openly and honestly. Perhaps they can have a more realistic view of sex than I did. What kept going through my head as I read your post was the programming that I obviously had as a teen and that was ‘sex is something personal between you and the person you are with’. That was the message I was given. I wonder what messages others received xxx

  • Isn’t it amazing how society fears the word sex. Sex can be fun and light hearted, it doesn’t have to all be serious. Well done Pauline for starting your blog and for bringing attention to these issues.

  • Hi Pauline,
    Great first post. Sex has always been a taboo subject. I tied to talk about with both my boys but both were extremely reluctant. The older one is OK now but still the young one runs away. Any hints or do i just leave him to his own devices?
    Welcome to blogging world. I have only been at it for 11 days. Entered the Ultimate Blogging Challenge. That has really got me going.
    I am quite surprised though at how few people leave comments if they read it at all and I have spent two hours every day on mine.
    Everything takes time.
    Best of luck with yours

    • Thanks Madonna for you comments. It amazes me that in this day and age of so called “enlightenment” that people are not talking about sex more. I meet so many people who are disconnected from themselves which effects how they relate intimately and sexually. As far as your boys go, some of it will depend on their age however I feel its important for you to perservere. Go gently to start with however its really important to let them know that the door of communication is open around sex and that it is not taboo. It’s important for them to have the facts however it’s equally important for them to know how to communicate and relate to girls as well.

  • Hi Pauline… great first time blog!!! It sounds like it was better than your first time sex!!!

    Being a relationship counselor for over a decade, I totally agree! Sex is one of those complex topics that a lot of people only know media hype, social myths and false expectations. There is so much depth and complexity to sexuality. And there is so much about honoring our sexual selves that is not talked about (and I am not referring to some Christian socially constructed modesty). Being connected to our sexuality in the Western world can be a serious challenge! I’m looking forward to your future blogs about sexuality that deconstruct some of these myths and create a more realistic look at this very important topic.

    Have a fantastic day
    Lots of love

    • Hi Nessy, What you say is so true, it is definately a part of the problem. Unfortunately there is a lot of misinformation about sex through the media hype, social myths and false expectations and so called education. It’s no wonder so many people are disconnected from their sexuality and themselves. It is my intention to bring that connection back and to embrace ourselves and our sexuality fully.

  • Hello to every single one, it’s really a good for me to visit this website, it consists of priceless Information.

    • Thank you for your feedback – I offer free 15 minute phone consults, if that’s something you’d be interested in. If so, please fill in the form on my website. Thank you – Pauline

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