Part 7 of 7:

HMMMM:   So again, I’m at a bit of loss at what the suspension thing is all about other than the fact that maybe when suspended on other occasions other things are done to the person hanging which is not so gentle……I did hear that people have been hung with hooks in their backs, which just makes me shudder at the thought of enduring and inflicting such pain.

After a very long night, we finally left at 4am in the morning and I fell into bed exhausted.


WHY PAIN: There were quite a few things that shook me and I’m still processing it all several days later.  I asked one of the dominatrix if he had experienced the pain that he inflicted on his submissive.  He said that he had tried everything he does but doesn’t like pain.  I was curious if he got sexually turned on by it and was surprised that his response was “he’s not really into the pain and he doesn’t really enjoy that part of it that much, however it’s what his submissive wants, so it’s his way of pleasuring her”.  He’s more into the nurturing and cuddling and after care, that’s the part he enjoys most.  However my observations is that it’s also got a bit to do with being in control and to the point perhaps even being worshiped by the submissive.


I still can’t understand and I guess I never will understand what has led a person through their journey of life to be ok to receiving such pain and interpretating it as love and for another person to interpret loving someone by causing and inflicting pain.


I didn’t ask questions about their upbringings to see if there is any relevance as to why they are involved in this scene.  I really didn’t have the energy to dig any deeper.  At the end of the day however, we form our beliefs on an unconscious level from the ages of 3 to 4.  Quite often on an unconscious level our beliefs and our behaviours are sabotaged or collapsed together.  Sometimes our behaviours and beliefs are not serving us in the highest possible light for our highest good. Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) is a powerful tool for making changes and reframes on an unconscious level.


LOVE & LIGHT:  It’s such a dark and twisted world and it is in total contradiction to how I live my life.  My world as I already stated at the beginning of this piece is about loving, gentle, nurturing, soft energy full of respect and full of light.  It’s about giving and receiving pleasure and love through touch, connection, love, energy and presence.  I can only ever see this way of living as being in the dark, being in the shadow and being in a dark energetic space.  Not a place I will ever understand.

At the end of the day, I really couldn’t handle the fact that people were ok and comfortable to be violent towards someone they loved and that the receivers were happiest when being whipped or caned and wore their bruises with pride… left me feeling raw and vulnerable and I could not wait to get back home and be held with gentle love and gentle energy by beautiful friends with beautiful loving hearts.



Do you have any questions or concerns around Intimacy or Sexuality with yourself or your current relationship?  If you do, please feel free to drop me an enquiry and I will organise to have a FREE 20 minute chat with you.


12 Responses to SHAKEN & STIRRED – 50 SHADES

  • Hi Pauline,

    Very well put. It is strange and I think a little sad to think that human beings interpret that as love. but I admire your non judgement of them. I haven’t read your previous posts and I haven’t read 50 Shades because it does not resonate with at all. I usually find that if every man and his dog is into something, then I suspect I won’t be.

    I liked the idea that you explained to the readers details of what occurred because 99% of them wouldn’t have the courage you had to visit such a place and you were able to provide them with a vicarious experience.

    Nice to see you are blogging now. you will do well, because sexuality is still such taboo and you will be able to navigate the journey for many.


  • You have done a good thing by doing the research Pauline and it’s all you can do. It might not be your cup of tea, but accepting it is for other’s is again, all you can do. You can’t make educated decisions without experiences I think. You went to the limit of your education on this topic and came away with, what I think, is nil judgement that would demean what the people you met, are in to. Thank you for taking one for the team and I’m going to use your blog as my education in understanding that I’m validated in why I am not wired that way. Thank you.

    • Thank you for your feedback and support through this blogging experience. It is certainly not my world, yet I’m glad I took the opportunity to enter into it. There is, I believe a lot of misconception around this scene due to the book and I wanted to show that it’s hugely different. It’s not all love and roses and that there is a darker side.

  • Hi Pauline,

    Why Pain? – my take and personal experience on it was around control. Moving a little into psychoanalysis I experienced a high degree of pain as a child, it was always a shock and out of my perceived control. Largely it shaped my childhood, my world. Even so it would always result in focused attention on me. Playing in a submissive role allowed me to experience pain again but this time ultimately I was in control. I could always say stop, enough. I could assert my will and as an adult control my world (to some degree). Even though the role was submissive it was empowering.

    Maybe the love aspect between some top\bottom couple simply comes down to time and focused attention. I am unsure if it was your experienced (although from what you wrote that is my imagining) but there is a high degree of presence when activities such as this are undertaken. Care is taken, there is constant checking in, communication and attention is intensely focused for the length of the session at least. Sadly this level of presence is lacking in many peoples sexual\love lives.

    My preference is for gentle, soft, slow loving. For light and love and divinity in my love life. I’m unsure if I could have embodied this as well as I have if I hadn’t explored the dark side.

    In Love


    • Thanks Madonna for your feedback, it has kind of unleashed something within and now I sit and ponder, whether I share my more personal stories around sexuality and my experiences. Something I’m feeling my way into. Regardless I will be writing about sexuality and intimacy from “the light”. x

    • Thank you for the input from your perspective Charles. I have a basic understanding of where you came from and why you experimented with being a submissive. It’s great that you have found a new way to be present and preferring now to being in a soft and loving intimate environment. There is always a way to release the negative experiences of your past and I’m happy that you have now found a way through the journey you took to get there.

    • First, I would like to point out that BDSM is not the only outlet/mechanism that people use pain as a release. There are a significant number of people who use self-harm to do just that and many in secret.

      Second, there is a lot of biology going on behind the scenes of a play session. The pain that is inflicted is more than just a beating. There is an emotional connection, there is the control of the D/s dynamic, there is also the physical and chemical reaction. When a person experiences pain, adrenaline is flooded into a person’s system causing a kind of high, the hormone oxytocin is also released which is the hormone that makes you feel bonded with another person and is the same hormone that is released after sex to bond with your partner and during breastfeeding for a mother to bond with their child. There are so many different things going on in a scene that the pain is usually just a means to the end. However, not all of the scenes involve pain. I have had many play sessions that didn’t involve pain at all.

      Third, your perception of it as being something dark, while yes you have done a good thing in actually going to see what it’s like, that only shows a small portion of what it is all about. You spent one night at a play party, which if you don’t know much about BDSM IS very confronting. Play parties are basically the extreme end of BDSM, where people go once a month/week depending on the availability of the particular venue and the preferences of the participants. I know at the first play party that I attended, I was very overwhelmed by the experience. However, I don’t think of it as a dark energy at all. My partner is extremely kind, loving and nurturing. In fact, out of all of the relationships that I have been in, I have never been cared for as kindly, as lovingly or with as much attention to my needs as I have in a D/s relationship.

      Fourth, BDSM is not all about the physical aspect, it is about the dynamic between the Dom and the sub. I find that the relationship provides a safe place to explore every aspect of your being and your relationship. I am a very open and sexual being and other relationships have stifled that. I also have a need to serve, because I am fulfilled through that. In other relationships that have been less structured, I have been taken advantage of quite badly because of it. I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen in D/s relationships, but having the structure protects it to a certain extent.

      Last, you’re right, it isn’t for everyone. The relationship that I have with my partner is more loving and fulfilling that any other that I have had and I see that a lot in others that I know in the scene. It is not a ‘perception’ of love, it IS love, it is just not the way that others might express it. The physical aspect can be different and frankly, most of it doesn’t even hurt. At least not that I’ve experienced so far. If you think about it really, a bit of hair pulling, biting and a slight infliction of pain amplifies the experience and enjoyment. Is it really so hard to understand?

      • Thank you Jami for openly sharing your perspective and experiences with regards to the BDSM scene. I had a lot of discussions with people at the party and since and whilst what is ok for some people is obviously not for others, myself included.

        As I wrote through the whole blog, everything was from my perspective and I will never ever understand why pain will be the chosen form of expression. There are much more healthier ways to deal with the underlying issues that are there.

        As someone who works as a Coach, Educator, Light Worker and Healer, I will always see this as a darker energy. I am not attached or concerned with how people choose to live their lives, I just know it’s not for me.

        There is certainly some fun aspects in sexual play where you can bring the roles of dom/sub to, however they do not have to involve inflicting pain. As you say a bit of hair pulling or biting can amplify the enjoyment but that is a huge difference from inflicting pain with whips to the point where there are cuts and bruises.

        Thank you once again for your candid comments. I wish you happiness and joy in your journey of life.

  • Thankyou Pauline for so honestly sharing this experience. It’s really fascinating. I actually feel like the dark side of this, was explored in fifty shades of grey, having read the trilogy, I see it was his Love for Anastasia that really changed how Christian felt about love and how he then explored sexuality. We see that Christian Grey also experienced a violent and traumatic childhood and he finds solace in being submissive, and then control when he becomes the dominant. None of these roles for him involve love, but they do provide comfort and control in his world. In terms of light and dark, Anastacia brought the light for him. As there relationship develops she actually starts to enjoy being submissive at times, on her terms, and learns hard limits for her. So it is fiction but it did prepare me for your real life story! … I think you’re definately adventurous and well its certainly intriguing to hear about!
    Thanks for sharing your story too Charles, it seems your journey has brought you to a happy, loving space, and that’s wonderful. I can really relate to your view on being present, that is such a gift to give. And although, to me, it seems like an unhealthy addiction, to cause pain, then be the comforter, I can see how this serves those who may even need it for there survival, perhaps from previous trauma…

    • Thanks for your input Belinda and I agree with your summary of the book. My main reason for blogging was to show that its not all love and roses as portrayed in the fiction 50 Shades.

  • Pauline I only just got back to read your series. I was fascinated with the way you can just walk through that experience. So happy you shared it with people you can trust.
    Not for me however lol! The closest I’ll ever come to being tied up is playing Wendy tied up by the pirates when I am playing Peter Pan with the kids 😉
    Well done gorgeous 🙂

    • Thanks for your comments Marina, it was certainly an experience. I was presented with the opportunity & thought it a good idea to see what it was all about, given the new interest in erotic literature & the series 50 Shades of Grey. The story and the reality is worlds apart & one that I’m definately not drawn to experience any further than the look, see that I did. Pauline xx

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