When Do You NOT Need Consent?

yes no


I’m writing this blog because at the heart of the onstage antics with a young 17 year old there was no consent.  Madonna’s behaviour,  is suggesting that as a pop star she can do what she wants and it gives out mixed messages to her younger audience.


Josephine is wondering what all the fuss is about as she feels it was just an accident and appears to be so in awe of her idol, that nothing she would do, could possibly be wrong in her eyes. Does this make idolisation wrong? No – however I believe in this era, where consciousness is expanding, that those in positions of influence and power can use their leadership qualities in ways that inspire, uplift and motivate.

Prince Ea, Will Smith, Jada Prinkett, Leonardo Di Caprio, Lady Gaga, Sting and Kate Winslet, to name a few, are some of the actors, actresses & singers that lead by example.  The problem with what Madonna did was that it very much gives the wrong message to the younger generation.



Josephine obviously loves her body and is proud of it, bravo, that there is a 17 year old young woman that doesn’t have any body issues.  She’s been quoted as wondering what all the fuss is about, “it’s her breast”, “her nipple” and she’s not bothered by it.

Madonna is Out of Line!


The younger generation learn about sex and how to behave with people they are sexually attracted to predominantly through porn.  Unfortunately, this gives them the wrong idea of what sex is about and how to relate to the other person.  They also learn from people who are influential such as pop stars, actors and actresses as well as movies and music clips.

What this tells people is that “it’s just a bit of a laugh, it’s ok, to pull someone’s top down and expose their breast, or you can go and pull some guys pants down and then all laugh at the size of his penis, which then traumatises him for most of his life, thinking he is not up to standard.  The trauma these types of acts of non consent can actually cause can be huge, with people having problems for many years for incidences which some people may think are small, however if consent was there, they would not have to go through what they are experiencing.

These things happen, continually and regardless of whether the young girl in question is ok with it or not, it still comes down to consent and breaking boundaries and exploitation.

This non consensual behaviour was at this young girls expense and could have had even more consequences.  It would seem from the non-consensual behaviour on stage, that Madonna is very much working in the shadow of consent with it all being about her and using tactics of manipulation and entrapment for her own gain.


Unfortunately it is wired into us at a very young age that unacceptable touch is ok. Think about the days when a baby was born, hung upside down and smacked on their back.  Or young baby boys, being circumcised and enduring the pain as they are cut and then as we are growing up, having to put up with uncles, aunts or parents friends giving us a hug or a kiss hello, when all we really want to do is run the other way, but being told by our parents, to be polite!

This then becomes wired into our neurology and most people have a challenge expressing what they really want or don’t want, in particular when it comes to sexual experiences of any sort.


The answer to that is you ALWAYS need consent.  You cannot assume, that someone wants to have sex, engage in any form of sexual activity or sexual play unless you ask them directly and receive a verbal answer.  No-one is a mind reader and no-one has the right to assume.


Consent is Key When it Comes to the Boundaries of Sexual Play



There is authentic touch and consent, where both parties are giving consent to engage in any form of touch which may or may not be sexual. It can be done by either giving, receiving, allowing or absorbing and can be done for your own experience or for the other person or both. Some of the attributes of this type of touch is; connection, appreciation, devotion, gratitude, responsibility, integrity, pleasure, nurturing and adoration.

Then there is the opposite, which is the Shadow of Touch or Non Consent. When one person thinks they’re giving, allowing, receiving or absorbing. When it’s in the shadow it has a much more sinister edge to it and can be manipulating, controlling, cohersing, bullying or trapping the other person. It can also be lecherous, raping, abusing, groping, molesting and selfish, for the other person’s gain.


Legally you cannot do what you want, regardless of the other person. Both people involved have to give verbal consent that they are happy to engage in a sexual activity of any sort, otherwise there is not full consent.
It’s important when having sex to know that your partner is giving you full consent. The only way to know for sure that you have consent is to ask them and not to assume by their body language that are wanting it or that they are actually happy about what’s going on because often that is not the case.

Consent also applies to any form of sexual contact & does not mean just for sexual intercourse


Unfortunately these sorts of things continue to happen and regardless of whether the young girl in question is ok with it or not, it still comes down to consent, breaking boundaries and exploitation.  It’s time everyone learns to find their voice and find their NO!



4 Responses to When Do You NOT Need Consent?

  • Great article Pauline.

    I personally believe that it’s a famous star duty to be a role model for healthy, uplifting and empowering ways of living to their fans lives.

    What may have been a cheeky in the moment reaction to a shadow expression has repercussions that sends messages that this kind of behaviour is ok, not only to the youth of today but to any one who might be wanting to feel better by putting somebody else down to get a false sense of a lift in themselves.

    Madonna may choose to remain silent on this topic in fear of knowing what she did was not acceptable or speak up and apologise to her fans and inform them as anyone who pulls a stunt like this no matter what level of status they have that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable.

    Next we will probably see compilation videos of people getting their tops pulled down all over social media and how funny it is at other peoples expense, not a nice manifestation from one incident that continues to go unowned by the persecutor and the victim goes blindly forward in life puzzled as to why there’s a big fuss about this.

    She now has the label and will continue to have throughout her life “Oh, your the woman who had her top pulled down by Madonna!”

    Imagine if she went through life “oh you are the woman who was Honoured by Madonna for your beauty and grace”

    Big difference.

    • Yes, I agree with all the points you raised. Unfortunately at a very young age, we are taught that unwarranted touch is ok – think back to the days of babies being hung upside down & hit on their backs or newborn males put through circumcision. There are many, many examples of where this wiring is infused in our systems and why consent and speaking up about what you want or don’t want & listening to our bodies responses get pushed away, to the point often of being unrecognisable and why there is so much trouble around “finding our voice”.

  • I am a BIG Madonna fan but I am not happy with her for what she did, Pauline. Thank you for this wonderful piece. Sharing xx

    • I’m a Madonna fan, how can you not be? I grew up with her too, someone in my own age bracket, owning it. However, I’m an advocate of consent, it’s part of the work I do as a Sex Educator and I’m not happy that she thinks she can get away with it, just because she is Madonna & reeks of a very big ego. Yes there is the performance, but at who’s expense?

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